Some of you may have caught British comedian and actor Russell Brand’s cameo on The Simpsons on February 20.  What you may not have known is that the yellow “Simpsonized” cartoon image of Brand is, in fact, his original form.  The truth is that Russell Brand has no more reality than does Bart Simpson. 

            My friends, we have been victims of a hoax of mammoth proportions—Russell Brand does not exist.  The planes of his face, too smooth to be human, and the raster graphics of his tangled hair, unmistakably identify him as a simulacrum, an image conjured up by a computer.  In the following photographs, I will take you step by step through the irrefutable evidence that shows that Russell Brand is an animated computer-generated construct, like Schrek.  However, unlike Schrek, Russell Brand is infecting everything around him with his essential unreality. 

            Russell Brand originated in 2003 as a rough sketch on a cocktail napkin, recovered from the trash at London’s chic restaurant Nobu.  A source in the wait-staff indicated that Simon Cowell had just eaten there, fueling speculation he played a part in the conspiracy.  Brand was soon developed into a more realistic pen-and-ink portrait and eventually given a body, but for some years he remained incapable of fooling anybody. 

            His name is thought to have emerged as an inside joke among his creators—”Brand” being a reference to the identity of their creation: as hollow and meaningless as the Nike Swoosh.  Just as every criminal—Jack the Ripper, the Joker—leaves a calling card, so Russell Brand’s creators could not resist the temptation to “sign” their crime. 

            These creators (the plural is unavoidable, because we have unanimously rejected the idea of a single creator, some transcendental Leibnitz working in modest obscurity) grew emboldened after James Cameron’s Avatar showed that CGI characters could be convincingly lifelike.  They developed Russell Brand into a fully fleshed out facsimile and began inserting him into likely settings.  At first he only appeared in magazines, because still photography allowed more leeway in the illustration, but soon they felt confident enough to release video footage.  Next came appearances in feature films, including Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Get Him to the Greek.  

The Photographic Evidence: 

This creature is being presented to us as a human being?  This isn’t, like, a proof-of-concept from some Hollywood special effects laboratory, meant to demonstrate the realism of its CGI animation?  Nice try, unknown conspirators.  It may appear human-like at a glance, but detailed analysis shows its flaws.  For example, in these two photos, notice the teeth, which experts believe have been photoshopped from a horse. 

In this next photo, notice the way the hair in front lies in smooth locks against the skull, whereas the hair in back stands up in an immense, tangled bouffant; the disjunction provides textbook evidence that two pictures have been combined.  Also notice the perfect V formed by the upper lip stubble. 

This next provides especially strong evidence of Russell Brand’s ersatz condition.  Whoever was responsible for this one was clearly not on their “A game” that day.  We know that the people behind Brand use a variety of methods to convince us of Brand’s reality; in this case, what I think we’re looking at is a wax sculpture, flanked by two paid actresses who may have been killed afterward, used to allow Brand to appear to interact with physical objects when time does not permit extensive postproduction studio work.  This may account for the blank eyes, the unnaturally featureless skin, and the obviously fake hair.  Notice too how the first three pictures showed Brand against blurred or nonexistent background, helping to disguise the wholly CGI images), whereas the fourth shows a background in focus; this is no doubt because it is an actual photograph of an actual object, the wax sculpture.

            No one should be surprised by this revelation.  In a world were dinosaurs and Transformers flourish onscreen, the only surprise is that CGI personages have not emerged sooner.  (Perhaps they have; who can say whether Russell Brand is truly the first simulacrum to masquerade as a human being, or only the first to be exposed?)  This raises the question: who else is a graphical representation?  A prime suspect is Brand’s own “wife,” singer Katy Perry.  A cursory analysis of her face would indicate, as a first approximation, an origin as a digital polygonal bitmap.  She also recently appeared on The Simpsons, albeit with much more convincing animation than her “husband.”  Is The Simpsons a vector of unreality, a “Patient Zero” of trompe l’oeil?  Other suspects include Miley Cyrus, Mark Zuckerberg (if you look closely, his appearance changes from image to image, sometimes quite drastically), Sarah Palin (fact: there is no record of her existence prior to 2008—anywhere), Kim Kardashian, Veronica Mars, and Justin Timberlake.  

            Is it a coincidence that, in the two years immediately prior to the first appearance of Russell Brand on that cocktail napkin, two movies involving CGI actors were released?  In 2001, Final Fantasy: the Spirits Within, a Japanese-American science fiction production, starred what was touted as the world’s first photorealistic CGI actor.  In 2002, there was S1m0ne, in which a Hollywood producer played by Al Pacino creates a digital actress who subsequently acquires a spurious reality in the minds of the public.  One of my informants speculated that this movie could have been used by the conspiracy to prepare mass opinion for the coming of Russell Brand and others of his ilk, similar to the way in which The Boys from Brazil was used to prepare the populace to accept the rule of an oligarchy of Hitler clones.  “I strongly feel someone is pulling a “S1m0ne” on us, if anyone has seen that movie,” he opined. 

            Who created Russell Brand, and for what purpose?  Does he represent merely the first stage in an invasion of simulacra that will eventually replace every human in the world with lifelike replicas capable of appearing in Us Weekly magazine?  Is there a connection with what is known in Tibetan mythology as a tulpa (“thoughtform”), a physical manifestation of mental energy?  We may never know the whole truth.

            It was a warm day in Washington DC, but Glenn Beck was perfectly comfortable in a dove-gray Ermenegildo Zegna suit, Brooks Brothers shirt, and Pierre Cardin tie as he stepped into the elevator and inserted the key that gave access to the 150^th floor of the Vulpine Inc. skyscraper, which afforded sweeping views of the DC metro area.  Whenever his thoughts turned to Modesty Palin, he was filled with admiration and awe.  Here was a woman who, with only the help of John McCain and Rupert Murdoch, had clawed her way to the top of an organization spanning several continents.

            Beck went into the tastefully decorated inner sanctum, where Modesty Palin was negotiating with Chinese billionaires: “Oil and coal? Of course, it’s a fungible commodity and they don’t flag, you know, the molecules, where it’s going and where it’s not. But in the sense of the Congress today, they know that there are very, very hungry domestic markets that need that oil first. So, I believe that what Congress is going to do, also, is not to allow the export bans to such a degree that it’s Americans that get stuck to holding the bag without the energy source that is produced here, pumped here.”  (#1)

            “You have enlightened us, Palin-san.”  The Chinese billionaires bowed.  “May herons always steam-press your pantsuits.” 

            After the billionaires departed, Modesty Palin turned to Beck, her eyes flashing.  “Summon my secret stealth jet that travels at Mach 9.  Our spies have learned the location of the hidden lair of the mastermind known only as The Kenyan.” 

            Doffing his black-framed glasses and gesticulating them for emphasis, Beck said, “The jet is prepared, Princess.  And you’ll have a sidekick on this mission: Ron Paul.” 

            “Ron Paul?  He’s cool. He’s a good guy. He’s so independent. He’s independent of, like, the party machine, and I’m like ‘right on!’, you know, so am I.  (#2)”

            The Black House was a forbidding, spiky black castle built high atop the sinister mountains of Maryland.  The two freedom fighters shot up grappling hooks.  Reaching the top, they quickly KO’d the guards, the fearsome New Black Panthers.  Herr Doktor Paul pumped a round into a shotgun and delivered his catchphrase: “Let’s return America to the type of monetary system envisioned by our Nation’s founders, one where the value of money is consistent because it is tied to a commodity such as gold, bitch!  (#3)

            In the castle’s inner sanctum, lined with spears and shields in the Pan-African colors, hundreds of dashiki-wearing acolytes were chanting in front of a statue of Halie Selassie. 

            Then The Kenyan took the stage.  “Soon, we will realize our goal of destroying the Imperialist Amerikkkan Regime.  Only one thing stands in our way, namely, ‘these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, […] hard working, very patriotic, um, very, um, the pro-America parts of this great nation (#4).’  So far, only a few individuals who may not be book-smart but they have common sense, have divined our true plan—that health care reform will lead inevitably to a caliphate in America!  Ha ha ha!” 

            “Look, he’s reading off a teleprompter,” Modesty Palin read off a teleprompter.  Then she stepped onto the stage.  “Hey you,” she said.  “I’m about to go rogue on your ass!” 

            “Get her!” The Kenyan said to his henchmen. 

            Thirty second later, when Modesty Palin stood atop a mountain of the acolytes’ bodies, The Kenyan faced her, saying, “Your maverick kung fu is very powerful.  Now try my Rastifarian judo!” 

            They fought all over the castle.  Finally, when The Kenyan was dangling hundreds of feet above the ground from the girder of a construction crane, he begged for mercy, saying, “Spare me!  I’ll never try to reconstruct your way of life again!” 

            Then Modesty Palin unleashed a devastating witticism: “Buck up or stay in the truck!” 

            Screaming, The Kenyan fell to his death. 

            Back on the ground, they approached the body.  Reaching around the back of The Kenyan’s head, Modesty Palin removed a small gray box with an antenna.  It had been wired directly into The Kenyan’s brain.  “Just as I suspected,” she said.  “The Kenyan was only the puppet of another, even more sinister mastermind.  You betcha!” 

Coming Next Ish: Who is behind The Kenyan?  Is it the Communists?  The Nazis?  The Judeo-Commu-Nazis?  And are they in fact the employers of the unknown assassin who ritualistically murdered Christine O’Donnell and Sharon Angle in his quest for the lost Aztec amulet referred to in the Codex Mendoza only as “the Eye of the Lamestream Media”?  And why does the possibility there’s a traitor in Modesty Palin’s organization excite her so much? 

#1 Grand Rapids, Michigan, Sept 17, 2008

#2 MTV, Feb 5, 2008

#3 House of Representatives, Sept 10, 2002

#4 Greensboro, N.C., Oct 16, 2008

            The field of zoology has recently been turned upside down by the discovery of free will in animals. 

            “It turns out that our previous understanding of animal behavior as being a product of genetic and environmental histories was simplistic and reductionist,” said prominent zoologist Stefan Nichtswisser.  ”A science that studied only the chemistry, anatomy, neurology, ethology, evolution, genetics, pathology, and biogeography of animals would obviously be inadequate.  Today, we realize that a science of animal behavior is only an appendage to a science of animal feelings.” 

            In the new paradigm, every action is caused by a feeling, which arises spontaneously from the animal’s innermost being.  For instance, the clustering seen in African water buffalo when confronted by lions turn out not to be a product of an interaction between predator and prey developed over millions of years of co-evolution—a naïve answer easily arrived at—but instead of the animals’ desire to be closer to each other at that particular moment.  Dr. Nichtswisser summarized it thusly: “Fear engenders solidarity in the buffalo, which leads to a sense of social cohesion, which may in turn cause a sense of agape for all living creatures, causing the buffalo to crowd together.”  The explanatory power of this theory is clearly much greater than the old one, focused on such crude, unsophisticated notions as natural selection or operant conditioning.  

            How foolish we were, scientists are now saying, to have paid so much attention to what animals did, when we should have been paying attention to what they were feeling.  If we want to change the way an animal acts, we must start by changing its feelings.  Clearly, changing an animal’s feelings is an easier and more direct task than the task it replaces, that of changing its behavior.  Every action has its cause in a feeling, the existence of which we can infer from the action.  

            In the past, it was debated whether conscious states of mind in the wildebeest or raccoon were epiphenomena—that is, secondary phenomena that occur alongside or parallel to a primary phenomenon but can in no way affect it.  The canonical example of an epiphenomenon is the reflection of a tree in a still pond; it would not exist without the tree, but it cannot possibly affect the tree.  Fortunately the cognitive revolution in zoology allows us to finally see that it is actually the behavior that is the epiphenomenon.  It turns out that the thoughts and feelings of the wildebeest or raccoon are the primary phenomena, and they give rise to the secondary phenomena of its behavior.  

            The new thinking makes the animal itself responsible for its behavior.  Previous theories absolved the animals of blame, thereby contributing to the many zoological problems plaguing our society.  As Dr. Nichtswisser noted, “Every theory changes the thing it describes.”  The new theory, by locating the cause of the animals’ behaviors inside the animals themselves, will restore a sense of personal responsibility to them.  By the way, it is definitely not a contradiction to say that animals are the sole causes of their own behavior, and, simultaneously, that promulgation of certain theories caused the animals to behave differently.  

            This change in zoological thinking parallels a recent change in the science of optics, when it was determined that the traditional description of a rainbow as being created by the refraction of light through tiny droplets of water suspended in the atmosphere is reductionist because it leaves out something important: the rainbow itself.  ”All the time we spent studying meterology and the physics of light was entirely wasted—we should have been looking at the rainbow itself.  That’s why I wrote a song,” said noted physicist Hans Dummkopf.  He began strumming a guitar and crooned: “Do not all charms fly / at the mere touch of cold philosophy? / Philosophy will clip an Angel’s wings / Conquer all mysteries by rule or line / Unweave the rainbow.  Well, something like that.  I haven’t worked out the kinks yet.”

            You are wanting to imitate esteemed writers of the past such as Dean Koontz, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, or Fritz the Cat, but you don’t know where to start?  Relax now.  Learn from me, your learned elder, how to write the easy way.  I am qualified to teach writing because I am the author of many famous instruction manuals about writing.  Whether your goal is writing a glorious paperback that will adorn a swiveling metal rack at an airport or a presentation for the big business client, writing is the way to do it.  People who do not learn to write will eat bitterness.  They are warned! 

            Utensils to write.  Prepare yourself with the right “tools.”  Something to write with: a pen, a feather, an acetylene torch.  Something to write on: a paper, a computer, a cup of Bai Hai Yinzhen Tea.  If using paper, be sure to orient the paper properly: i.e., write on the wide, flat surface, not on the edges.  People who write on the edges of the paper rarely score multi-million dollar publishing deals, and even when they do, the bulk of their earnings are eaten up by paper costs.  So think wisely. 

            Put the paper on something hard, such as an armadillo.  If using a computer, wear Mickey Mouse-style gloves to protect self from radiation.  Then comes time to write.  What to write.  What to write.  This is where it gets tricky. 

            Experts agree: writing is a series of letters.  Put the letters in the right order.  But what letters? 

            Know your apparatus.  There are many letters in the English language.  Some of these letters have names, such as “Randall Cuisinart” (after the famous inventor of the Cuisinart space shuttle).  Others are anonymous, such as this one letter that is on the left side of my keyboard that looks like the Four Pillars of Destiny pushing a baby stroller, in which rides an allegorical figure representing the People’s Revolutionary Will—nobody knows what this letter is called.  Either way, you have to know your alphabet.  If using a computer, some letters will be on the keyboard, but beware!  Some keys will fool you!  “SHIFT” is not a letter.  Nor is “CAPS LOCK.”  Most of the letters you want to use are grouped in the center of the keyboard, but do not rely on them overmuch.  If you do, you will be restricted to writing unpopular words like “fjg” and “ghg” and “fgh.”  You will not be popular if you write only these words.  There are also letters that are not on the keyboard, such as the “shmoo.”  It is imperative to use the shmoo in many important words. 

            If you are not using a computer, you will have to remember all the letters using your mind.  This is impossible—there are too many!  But if you have no choice, try to memorize a few “old favorites,” such as the “3.”  If pressed, just say it is a backwards “E” and all is forgiven. 

            Assemblage of letters.  When letters are grouped, they are called “words.”  Some words are: “ur,” “lol,” and “SRSLY!”  But careful!  Without constant vigilance, words can dissolve back into their constituent letters.  Hyphenated words are especially likely to break at their weak spot: the hyphen.  If your words fall off the page, do not step on them—they may gum up the treads of your shoe, thus making it slippery to walk.  Instead, coax them back onto the page with promises of two-for-one Mai Tais. 

            Assemble words until you have 90,000 of them.  Then take a break to ingest consumables.  Plot points may be resolved with an Ouija board.  Advanced students are encouraged to experiment with such concepts as “paragraphs” and “punctuation.” 

            Others.  Not all wish to write the best books such as native English-speaking A. E. van Vogt’s World of Null-A, which contains the line: “His leveling off on a basis of unqualified boldness permitted no prolonged time gap.”  Fortunately, there are other types of writing forms. 

            Business presentations: Wear a suit and try not to drool; at least, not on other people. 

            The Poetry: This is to be avoided.  You never will score a million dollars with the poetry. 

            Romance: Put Fabio on the cover and your name embossed in gold.  Serves 50 million satisfied readers.  Rinse and repeat. 

            Final tips.  To be a writer, you must do two things: get a top name to blurb your book, and appear on talk shows with celebs.  Try to have no arms or something—readers will be more impressed if they know you wrote the book without arms.  Otherwise, try to look like Tom Cruise.  For that, I cannot help you, but good plastic surgeons can be found through the yellow pages in Tijuana or Kuala Lumpur.  In the meanwhile, follow my simple steps and writing can be exxxkd#3x@%£*¥&!

Hey Kids!  After college, when we were idealistic Young Turks keen to set the world on fire, our artistic movement failed after a typo caused the Paris Review to publish, rather than our manifesto, our manifest, i.e., a list or invoice of the passengers or goods being carried by a commercial vehicle or ship.  Lacking literary street cred after the fiasco, we were forced to go to work for Amalgamated Corporation writing ad copy and instruction manuals for big wheel trikes, easy-bake ovens, and man-portable anti-tank guided missiles like the FGM-148 Javelin.  It’s not funny, it’s real—as real as Bugs Bunny waking up broke and alone in some shabby SRO hotel downtown, needle tracks in his arm, wondering where his life went. You’re not Napoleon, Bugs.  You never were.  

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Ever wanted to be the life of the party?  Do you dream of one day being blurbed as “America’s foremost absurdist” by an obscure pop culture authority like Chuck Klosterman or Neal Pollack?  Of finding remaindered copies of your book, featuring an Annie Leibovitz of you dressed in ironic clothing on the dust jacket, in some bargain bin at K-mart?  Now those dreams can become reality with Amalgamated’s Do-it-Yourself Comedy Kit™.  Just mix and match these hilarious one-liners, gags, spoofs, parodies, and satires and begin performing today (Amalgamated not responsible for any resulting injury, depression, ostracism, or dementia): 

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Help!  I’m trapped in a world I never made!

A man and his son were in a car crash.  The man was killed instantly and the boy was rushed to the hospital, but the surgeon said, “I cannot operate on his boy, for I am strung out on meth!  Also I never attended medical school and have been faking it all these years!”   

I recently translated a book from Japanese to English.  Since I don’t know any Japanese, I translated every word as “Yikes!,” which, after all, was more or less true.  

This is not a sentence.  Aw, I’m just joshing you—it is a sentence after all.  

Sometimes, isn’t what we call Rhode Island really just another way of saying a small state in New England with its capital at Providence? 

Nowadays, of course, we realize Peter Pan suffered from anephebiosis, a rare disorder wherein the patient never undergoes puberty.  In later life he participated in Bono’s benefit concert for the victims of this tragedy. 

This sentence is a lie.  No, wait, not that one.  This one is a lie. 

The Wayans Brothers is a hoax—there’s no Damon, Shawn, or Marlon.  It’s just Keenan Ivory using trick photography.  Wake up, people, they used the same trick in The Parent Trap forty years ago!  Also, Jim Carrey is just a Claymation figurine.  In fact, pretty much the entire cast of In Living Color was one kind of doll or another, which is why they were never seen in the company of Jackie O—she had a debilitating fear of dolls, mannequins, androids, or other human simulacra. 

            These and other gems, contained within! 

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This vignette is dedicated to Little Richard.  Not the famous Little Richard—it’s dedicated to an even littler one.