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About Lise Breakey

In the early days, sightings were rare and never verified. The footprints could have been those of any four-year-old child with seven toes on each foot. The gnawed and scattered bones were blamed on hyenas that escaped from the Syracuse Zoo and then returned to their cages each morning with no one ever noticing. Even her own mother was not certain she existed. Her father, however, was convinced there was something lurking in the basement, and when he disappeared without a trace in 1969, no one was really surprised.

By the time Lise was nine, several blurry photographs had been taken, catching her in the act of bringing down a Ford Mustang with her bare hands, hammering a stake through the heart of a Walmart, and diving to the bottom of a mirror with a satchel full of depth charges. When she was eleven, a number of children came forward to claim that she was their imaginary friend who taught them how to skin a Chesterfield sofa, disembowel a toilet, and survive for months on nothing but toejam and navel lint.

At 17, Lise realized the unfortunate truth: that the wild cities were becoming tame and there was no longer any place for creatures such as herself. Rather than be dragged into the spotlight, she emerged from her hiding place on the 13th floor of every building that had no 13th floor and announced that she was no longer quantum.

Since that day, the world has marveled at her accomplishments. Lise has become America’s most beautiful left-handed sewage worker. She invented the traffic sign that reads “Resume Being Unprepared To Stop.” Renowned for her fearlessness, she does, in fact, simply walk into Mordor. She now appears daily in the commercials that sponsor your dreams of conquering and enslaving humanity.

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