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Captain Ethnic

Posted by on December 15, 2011

Garbed in a white polar bear fur parka, with his trusty harpoon Innuvalieut in his hand, the Icicle gazed across the vertiginous topography of Manhattan with an icy gaze from the igloo on the roof of the Hudson’s Bay Company Building.  Somewhere in that city the evil mastermind known only as The Viking was preparing to melt all the polar ice caps via a fiendish plan involving burning hydrocarbons for several centuries, gradually increasing the earth’s temperature.

It was starting to snow, or as he would say, “Atakupikiat,” which meant a light snowfall that sometimes looks like dandruff if it lands on your hair.  The Malamute at his side barked as if to say, “Though I am only a dog, still I would love to be granted autonomous, self-governing status within the Canadian federation.”

“You and me both,” the Icicle murmured.   “You and me both.”  He stroked his canine sidekick’s thick fur and felt a deep bond with nature which all native peoples share.  Then he took a bite of whale blubber.

Then the Icicle’s spirit guide appeared, who was the majestic Emperor Penguin.  “I will help you, but only on one condition.”

“What condition, oh spirit guide?”

“You must always solve crimes in the old Inuit fashion.”

“I will obey, oh spirit guide.”  Then the Icicle speared his spirit guide with his trusty harpoon Innuvalieut, apologized for killing him, skinned and dressed him, salted the meat, and used every part of the animal.

Together the Icicle and his dog set off in a kayak which was endowed with shamanistic powers that enabled it to fly, but only as long as he remained righteous and didn’t partake of the white man’s central heating or Doritos.

Reaching the dragon-headed longship moored in the East River, the Icicle saw that the Viking, wearing a pointed helmet with huge horns and a bear-fur ruff, was holding hostage Yupipiat, a young reporter for the Daily Walrus.

“I think it’s time we pushed you out on an ice floe,” the Icicle said, throwing an icicle that the Viking deflected with his battle-axe.  Then the Viking began shooting arrows at the Icicle with his bow, causing the Icicle to duck behind a snow bank and say to his dog, “Y’know, I’m just not sure how many masterminds can be defeated solely through the use of icicles.”


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