Table of Contents

• Neo/Beckett.  “The Lost Ones” by Samuel Beckett Analyzed as a Precursor to “The Matrix,” or, Whoa! Enclosed Worlds as Ontological Ground-Situations!
• Derrida: Are We Pronouncing His Name Correctly?
• Philosopher Deathmatch: This Week: Martin Heidegger and Hannah Arendt versus Adamantine Friedrich Nietzsche.  We bring you the story straight from the Tel Aviv Thunderdome! 
• Quiz: Which Type Are You: Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, Kramer, Cher, de Niro, Attila, Kirk, Wolverine, the Wolfman, Hitler, Seann William Scott, General Zod, Schopenhauer, Poseidon, the Green Power Ranger, Red Kryptonite, Captain Nemo, Robur the Conqueror, Robbie the Robot, Dr. Fu Manchu, NGC 3109, Oliver Platt, an introvert, a man, a woman, a mollusk, Chanel No. 5, the Hanged Man, the Metatron, yet another example of the porousness of certain borders, a credit to your race, an embarrassment to your mother and me, Ross, Monica, McNulty, Creutzfeldt-Jacob disease, or a writer of magazine quizzes?  Our most comprehensive quiz ever!
• Sneak Preview. Tweedledee and Tweedledum.  Josh Hartnett and Hayden Christensen write, direct, and star in this harrowing look at the truth behind the beloved twins.
• 2,631 More Ways to Please Your Man: the follow-up to last week’s most popular article.  Plus, 3,389 ways that didn’t make the cut.
• True Life Story: Hair Extensions from Hell.  Lindsay Lohan never dreamed her hair extensions would compel her to go on a murderous rampage that would leave 7 dismembered and eviscerated in a Los Angeles-area Hilton last Christmas, but they did!  How she’s slowly knitting her life back together, and how you can avoid her tragic fate.  Plus, exclusive photos of Lindsay meditating with Al Gore and guru Sai Baba on his private island!
• Q. & A.: The meaning behind these two iconic letters is finally revealed.
• Obituary.  Damien Hirst, age 45, was found eerily submerged in a vitrine of formaldehyde.  The Tate Modern has already acquired his remains.  The artist’s entire fortune will be inherited by a preserved, severed calf’s head called “Bessy.”
• Sneak Preview.  We go behind the scenes of Antinomies, Tony Danza’s musical biopic of Ludwig Wittgenstein.  The star-studded cast includes Luke Wilson as Karl Popper and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Bertrand Russell; Martin Short has a cameo as the irrepressible Gottlob Frege.  Nick Nolte plays an intense Marine Corps general, driven to succeed, yet longing for love from the family he alienated, who appears to have wandered in from some other movie.
• Infographix: How are we trying to kill John Edward?  Six most popular methods.

Coming Up Next Ish: a retraction.  After having been contacted by Lindsay Lohan’s legal team, we sincerely apologize and offer a complete retraction for our defamatory statement in last week’s article: Ms. Lohan does not wear hair extensions.