Congratulations on your purchase! We, the entire staff here at Amalgamated Corporation, believe your new XP will deliver years of ecstasy, akin to continuous ingestion of the popular psychoactive drug “ecstasy.”
We’re proud to offer the XP in PC-Compatible, Lemon-Lime, Tutti-Frutti, and, responding to popular demand, embedded inside an impenetrable Plexiglas cube. Whichever version you chose, we’re confident your new XP will quickly become an indispensable tool. Many people have told us they feel it’s the only thing that gets them through their hellish lives of suffocating obligation.
People from all walks of life use the XP. When our founder, J. Randolph Amalgamated, first conceived of the XP while stumbling through the desolate salt flats of Bolivia, he initially envisioned it as a mere adjunct to the traditional Rolodex or food dehydrator. How far we’ve come!
For best results, do not operate your XP underwater or while being drawn and quartered. Conditions that may interfere with your XP”s functions include but are not limited to the presence of high-tension power lines, Italian porn star Rocco Siffredi, or ethereal vibrations of the planet Nibiru. Do not insert the XP’s antenna further than 3 inches into either nostril, unless you have purchased the optional prefrontal lobotomy kit (to perform the lobotomy, thrust the antenna up the patient’s nostril with one firm motion, then rotate until the prefrontal cortex is thoroughly eviscerated; see the attached phrenological diagram). Federal regulations state that women who are pregnant or may become pregnant, or men trying to grow a mustache, should not use the XP or handle broken fragments. If you experience nausea, impotence, or lycanthropy, discontinue use.
Your new XP has many functions. Some are self-explanatory, such as the button labeled “Marxism-Leninism.” For everything else, refer to the following:
Sending Text Messages. Using white paint or some similar medium such as Liquid Paper™, write your message on the back of the XP, then give the XP to the intended recipient and direct his or her attention to the painted words. (If using enamel paint, allow 24 hours to dry before delivery.) Warning: contact with or ingestion of lead-based paint may result in hearing loss, reduced IQ, or chromosomal damage.
Curing Kierkegaardian Maladies. If you or a loved one fall ill with the Sickness Unto Death, insert the XP’s electrodes subcutaneously and apply the appropriate voltage (see chart). When performing the service for a loved one, an application of chloroform may be necessary before strapping him or her down. While wearing a mask or rebreather, simply saturate a sponge or clean cloth with chloroform, halothane, or other fast-acting soporific, then apply to your loved one’s nose and mouth until unconsciousness ensues.
Defense Against Charges of High Crimes at the International Criminal Court, The Hague, Netherlands. Your XP is equipped with a comprehensive program of legal defense for anyone accused of genocide, crimes against humanity, or war crimes. Regardless of the obviousness of your guilt, the XP can deliver an acquittal with ease. Simply press the button labeled “ICC” and watch as your XP goes about the work of gathering data, preparing depositions, interviewing and/or murdering witnesses, managing the press, and intimidating judges. It handles the arraignment, cross-examination, public relations: no fuss, no muss!
Assuaging the Desire to Commit Suicide From an Excess of Happiness. In the coming years, you may find yourself saying, “This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. My God, how did I get here?” You flee in a panic. Renouncing your wealth, you join the Foreign Legion and are sent to a post in the desert. Life is cheap and discipline brutal, yet your make a home for yourself among the cast-offs of society. One moonless night the Whirling Dervishes steal into the fort, and you encounter their advance guard when you go downstairs, consumed by a powerful hankering for a Slim Jim. As you sound the alarm, saving your comrades, a black-garbed warrior stabs you with his iron scimitar.
If death results, stay calm. Your XP’s “deadman switch” will automatically send an email to Phaeton, winged messenger of the Gods. The deity will then spirit you away in his golden chariot to a special tribunal (held on alternate Tuesdays, so to avoid a lengthy wait, pick your time of death with care; dying on a major holiday is also counter-indicated). You will conduct a review of your life. Your soul will be weighed against a feather. A complex algorithm will send you to a final destination, such as the Elysian Fields, Tartarus, Purgatory, back to Earth, or to a galaxy far, far away. There is little your XP can do at this point, but it will try to put in a good word for you, as it is personal friends with Phloxitynes, god of dry cleaning.
Your XP is designed for years of trouble-free use. However, if you experience a problem, choose the most appropriate of these effective counter-measures.
Eat plenty of fiber and stay well-hydrated.
Wait. If, after the death of Enya, the XP has still not resumed proper functioning, immerse it in lava.
With a #10 scalpel, make a short incision between the XP’s third and fourth dorsal struts. Insert the endoscope into the cavity. If any polyps are visible, snip and remove them using the endoscope’s wire loop biopsy forceps. Close the incision with a #2 suture.
Swallow the XP.
If these procedures do not eliminate the problem, call our Customer Hotline. Speaking aloud the phrase “I’m a drooling idiot” will connect you with one of our friendly Technical Support Associates.