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Tales of Mystery

Posted by on March 2, 2011


We [Blank] You

Do you have a moment?  Let’s step over here so we won’t be disturbed.  Y’know, a lot of people around here have been noticing what you’ve been doing, and I just want to let you know how much we—excuse me, I have to take this.  Hello?  Yes, nothing is in the intellect which is not first in the senses.  No, cut the green wire, don’t cut the red one.  Goodbye.  Now where were we?  Ah yes, I was just saying how we all really—just one second.  Jimmy, hail fellow, well met!  Just chilling with my peeps.  You know Jimmy, right?  Hey, what about them Steelers?  You know it, my man.  Catch you later.  Anyway, we all feel that you’re—is that man over there wearing a brown belt with black shoes?  Excuse me, hello I say, are you wearing a brown belt with black shoes?  That, sir, is a faux pas.  Well, same to you.  Listen, we wanted to say that we think you—y’know, in the Jonny Quest episode “The Devil’s Tower,” when Dr. Quest gets out of the plane on top of the plateau, he takes a rifle with him, but the gun is never seen or mentioned again.  It just disappears.  That always bothered me.  Wait, was I about to say something to you?  Why are you standing there with that look on your face?  Do I know you?  No, I will not give you a quarter. 


Don’t Stand on My Ice Cubes

Somebody is standing on my ice cubes.  Who is he?  Why is he standing on my ice cubes?  Where did he come from and how did he arrive at his present spatial location, namely, immediately above and contiguous to my ice cubes.  I hope other people don’t think it’s okay for them to stand on my ice cubes.  That would be an error in logic.  If they do think so, they will surely be disappointed when I tell them otherwise.  Then they will not be happy they stood on my ice cubes.  They will rue the day they stood on my ice cubes, as will that person presently standing on said ice cubes.  If there’s one message I’d like to impress upon people, it is this: don’t stand on my ice cubes.


You Never Know Who Has It

You never know who has it.  The successful businessman in the Hugo Boss suit?  The high school quarterback?  The Hispanic mother of three?  You can’t tell who has it just by looking.  It’s not something that shows up on a supermarket bar-code reader.  You can’t check for it with a Geiger counter.  You could have it and not even know.  Maybe you have it and you’re afraid to tell.  Or maybe you don’t want to brag about having it.  Perhaps you take a drug to control it, or enhance it.  Side effects may include dry mouth, cold fingers, numb lips, inability to assemble phonemes into words, or lack of confidence in certain situations, such a deactivating a live nuclear bomb with no training.  If you are experiencing any of these conditions, please consult a metaphysician immediately.  But even he won’t be able to tell you whether or not you have it.

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