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Excerpt from the Secret Amalgamated Handbook

Posted by on June 6, 2011

……….If the conspiracy theorists are right, Amalgamated Corporation has long kept a secret handbook that, in many iterations, has recorded its history and philosophy.  Never before seen by the outside world, the book, which has been compared to Mein Kampf and the Malleus Maleficarum, may have surfaced in 2009 disguised as a script for an Adam Sandler vehicle.  If authentic, it represents the first look inside this opaque organization, which Noam Chomsky has called “the fount of all fondue and evil in this world.”


WARNING: Reading may cost you your life. . . or your sanity!

The Life of our Founder


……….Born in 1859 to decadent Hungarian nobility that traced its ancestry to Elizabeth Báthory and Vlad Tepes, J. Randolph Amalgamated grew into one of history’s great industrialists and phillumenists.  A true renaissance man, he numbered among his accomplishments the writing of a well-regarded treatise on frotteurism, inciting the Russo-Japanese War, lending the young Pol Pot money for cigarettes, and continuing to believe his whole life that Bugs Bunny was a real person.  His many inventions include botulism and a kind of proto-Yoplait.

……….He was a famously open and friendly man, although he kept his first name a secret his entire life, even from his children.  He was known to respond to a pat on the shoulder with an ear-splitting shriek of “Don’t touch!”  Yet despite his many stupendous achievements, he remained modest, restricting his employees’ displays of gratitude to tithing, ritual proskynesis and the occasional human sacrifice.

……….His genius showed itself early.  At 12 he concocted a chimaera by sewing together body parts from bears, komodo dragons, ostriches, and giant mutated salamanders, bringing the abomination to life with the galvanic shock of a bolt of lightning channeled through a modified crucifix, whereupon the needle-fanged monster terrorized the Valais canton where his boarding school was located, causing several deaths in its ravenous, unnatural hunger, until finally the creature was elected a deputy in the local parliament.  At 15 he invented both a cure for syphilis and a drug that exacerbated its symptoms; the young scamp then delighted in capriciously alternating between the two, at times being afflicted with severe maculopapular chancres, chronic gummatous, and dementia, while at others the very exemplar of health.

……….At age 35 he ceased to age physically; instead, his portrait hanging in a hidden boardroom of the Amalgamated corporate headquarters in Tashkent became ever more scabrous and deformed, as if sickened from within by some malign evil, the corruption and immorality of the man revealing themselves in the image.  This situation prevailed until, one day in 1972, he seemed to instantly age 78 years while the oil portrait simultaneously reverted to a picture of a healthy man of 35.

……….Saint J. Randolph Amalgamated was canonized in a midnight ceremony in the Vatican catacombs in 1939.  Pope Pius XII presided dressed in a powder blue sweatsuit and big gold chains, with two hookers, naked except for strategically placed rhinestones, for acolytes.  The newly created saint later used his holy powers to manufacture artillery shells for the Germans using slave labor in occupied Poland.

……….Yet, amazingly, he was not without his enemies.  Henry Kissinger once put anthrax on his Cheerios, but as a result of his wartime experiments as a subcontractor for the Gestapo, the stuff had no effect on him.  Saddam Hussein was known to refer to him as “that S.O.B.,” but it was more in a jokey way than serious, as Saddam would also from time to time call him for fashion advice; the two were more like “frenemies.”

……….This towering figure, this globe-begirdling colossus, continues to inspire us, his example urging us on toward the completion of his benevolent vision—a solar system under the total political, economic, and social control of the Amalgamated Corporation, where every home displays huge portraits of our founder flanked by candles and icons, where every citizen utters a prayer to our founder before beginning even the most trivial task.  Perchance to dream!


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