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The 39 Fluid Identities

Posted by on January 18, 2012

The Scene: An isolated  manor house on the windswept Yorkshire moors, 1920’s.

A: Don’t you realize, Margo, that this sarcophagus is the very one stolen
from the British Museum on the same night that the dastardly master
criminal Rene Dastard escaped from Reading Gaol?

B: But Lamont, surely you don’t suspect…

A: But I do, Margo.  If the riddle of the Brass Head has led us here,
that means…

B: Lamont, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.

A: I should have known all along.  The motto in the Tristero’s sacred
seal is an anagram.  If you re-arrange the letters, you get “Margo is

B: Don’t act so surprised, Lamont.

A: A gun!  So you betrayed me.  You’ve been working with Dastard this
whole time.

B: Call it what you like.  Yes, I used you to find the sarcophagus.  I
needed you to find the Wallenstein Codex among all the scrolls in the
Vatican Library of Pornography.  And the codex led us here.  Sorry to
disappoint you, old chap.

A: And the love-making?  Was that a lie as well?

B: Oh, Lamont, don’t be so self-righteous.

A: What are you going to do with me now?

B: That depends on how reasonable you’re willing to be.

A: No, you can’t expect…

B: That’s right.  Into the sarcophagus, pretty boy.  Dastard needs a
body to smuggle the diamonds into France.

A: Diamonds?  I thought he was looking for the sacred Aztec Amulet.

B: That too.  All in good time, my friend.

A: All right, Margo.  You win.  Will you at least make sure Snowy
finds a good home?

B: No promises.


The Scene: A chateau outside Paris, France

B: Where’s that crowbar?  Okay, now I’ll just pry off the
anthropomorphic lid of this sarcophagus and…

A: Expecting someone else?

B: Lamont!  You’re alive!

A: Fortunately I left a few PowerBars and a bottle of Gatorade  in the sarcophagus
beforehand.  I knew I would be making the trip across the Channel in
it, you see.

B: But that means… you must be Rene Dastard!

A: In the flesh.  Which means I manipulated you into shipping this
sarcophagus out of England under a rare antiquities license so customs
wouldn’t inspect it.  It was the only way I could get across the

B: But Lamont, I mean Rene, surely you don’t think that what I said
reflected the way I truly felt about you?  Why, I was playing along!
I always knew you and Dastard were the same person.

A: Nice try, darling, but the jig is up.

B: Oh, Lamont, please don’t shoot me.  We could run away together,
just the two of us, forget about the amulet and maybe open a small car
rental agency in Las Vegas.

A: No dice, sugar.  But let’s get down to brass tacks.  I’m not going to shoot you.  Yes, I see you
understand me.  Now get into the sarcophagus.

B: But if I get in there, perhaps when I come out, I’ll be Rene
Dastard, and you’ll be Margo.

A: I don’t think so, babe.  Your sequined dress would clash with my
body glitter.

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