New Coke, have you heard of this? I used to have some old coke in the trunk of my car but the judge said I couldn’t keep it. Who would win in a fight, New Coke or Crystal Pepsi? I say Pepsi, cuz nobody can see it. It’s invisible, this stuff. I thought I was drinking Crystal Pepsi the other day but it turned out I was just high on crack.
I have a theory the sharks are attacking because they really just yo quiero Taco Bell. That Chihuahua visited me in my dreams for a time, until the dancing baby killed and ate it.
Martha Stewart is finally off the streets. Boy, I feel a lot safer knowing she’s behind bars. Do you think she’ll be in the same cell as Lindsay Lohan? Be weird, wouldn’t it? They’d be all The Odd Couple up in there.
You know the old lady who fell and couldn’t get up? “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” You know why she can’t get up, don’t you? Here’s a hint: it’s the same thing the Runaway Bride is running from.
So my girlfriend gave me an ultimatum. She said, “Do you love me more than you love Tab?” While I was thinking about it she packed up all her stuff and moved to Milwaukee. She even took my freedom fries and rare, investment-grade Beanie Babies.
And now, it’s the Dancing Ito’s!
[The Lance Ito impersonators dance; musical interlude]
Do you think the Spice Girls are ever just like, “I’m bored, let’s compare boobs!” If you don’t, don’t say anything. Don’t shatter my fantasy. So they have the black one, Scary Spice, for diversity. What was the audition for that spot like? Did they try out, like, an Eskimo chick, Icy Spice, an Ethiopian chick, Malnutrition Spice, and an Italian chick, Hairy Armpits Spice? My ultimate dream is that there’d be a Nazi Spice. She could wear a black leather trench coat and carry a riding crop. I’d let her Tickle Me Elmo if you know what I’m saying.
I think the Furbies and the Tamagotchis will go to war with each other, Masters-of-the-Universe-style. You know how I know? The Budweiser frogs told me. Keep it under your trucker hat.
I was molested by the Pets.com sock puppet. I thought it was Spuds Mackenzie, and before I noticed there was a human being attached to him he had his head halfway up my Blair Witch Project. He said if I told anyone he’d come back and cut off my Pokemon, and then he said pets can’t drive.
Who let the dogs out? This is question we’re all asking ourselves.