My fellow Americans, I am a firm believer in Pritchardian exceptionalism. As the greatest individual in the world, I have unique responsibilities and moral obligations. Responsibilities and obligations you probably don’t understand, as you are not as great as I. That’s why some have questioned my recent action of pushing a fourth-grader to the ground when he tried to take the last slice of quiche at a funeral last week. Hence, I’d like to take a moment to explain what I’ve done, what I plan to do, and why this matters to me.
When my interests and values are at stake, I have a responsibility to act. As the most indispensable person in the world, if I am weakened in any way, all hope is lost. Such was the situation that confronted us when little Jonathan reached for the quiche. I wasn’t really hungry, but I knew if I didn’t eat something I might become hungry later. True, I had already eaten six of the eight slices, but I wanted another. It was no selfishness that drove me, but an honest appraisal of the necessity of me having one more slice.
Some would claim that because it was his grandmother in the casket, I should have simply let him have the quiche. Some would say I wasn’t entitled to the food at all, as I didn’t know the deceased or any of the bereaved and had in fact merely wandered into the funeral home to use the bathroom. Clearly they are not as exceptional as I. The truth is I would not be living up to my sacred and moral obligation to continue to live and eat if I did not use all necessary measures.
Some have criticized me for excessive force. But truly, one must ask oneself, was not the amount of force used, if anything, the very essence of restraint? This time-limited, scope-limited physical action was judiciously conceived and executed, in less than one second. Besides, I think Jonathan is milking that elbow injury.
Ask yourself, if what I did was so bad, who would you rather have done it? The Chinese? The Russians? You’re lucky I was the one to shove little Jonathan, because they would have shoved him much harder.
Also, I happen to know that Jonathan is a bad little boy. Even though his grandmother just passed away, I detected that he wasn’t crying with enough fervor. How could he even think of eating at a time like that? In fact, that I should have shoved him aside on my way to the buffet table is truly karmic, an act of divine justice, of the naturally self-correcting mechanism of the cosmos.
I know there are those who would seek to blame a Pritchard first. These elitists, acting from a deep-seated hatred of me, would deny that I am the greatest force for good the world has ever known. They see me, it seems, as being somehow imperfect. This is wrong. The crux of the issue is this: we must never accept any limit on the right of me to do whatever I want. Anyone who apologizes for my actions is only giving aid and comfort to my enemies.
Thank you. God bless you, and may God bless me and keep me safe. (Cue for applause.)