Topical Humor

New Coke, have you heard of this?  I used to have some old coke in the trunk of my car but the judge said I couldn’t keep it.  Who would win in a fight, New Coke or Crystal Pepsi?  I say Pepsi, cuz nobody can see it.  It’s invisible, this stuff.  I thought I was drinking Crystal Pepsi the other day but it turned out I was just high on crack.

I have a theory the sharks are attacking because they really just yo quiero Taco Bell.  That Chihuahua visited me in my dreams for a time, until the dancing baby killed and ate it.

Martha Stewart is finally off the streets.  Boy, I feel a lot safer knowing she’s behind bars.  Do you think she’ll be in the same cell as Lindsay Lohan?  Be weird, wouldn’t it?  They’d be all The Odd Couple up in there.

You know the old lady who fell and couldn’t get up?  “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” You know why she can’t get up, don’t you?  Here’s a hint: it’s the same thing the Runaway Bride is running from.

So my girlfriend gave me an ultimatum.  She said, “Do you love me more than you love Tab?”  While I was thinking about it she packed up all her stuff and moved to Milwaukee.  She even took my freedom fries and rare, investment-grade Beanie Babies.

And now, it’s the Dancing Ito’s!

[The Lance Ito impersonators dance; musical interlude]

Do you think the Spice Girls are ever just like, “I’m bored, let’s compare boobs!”  If you don’t, don’t say anything.  Don’t shatter my fantasy.  So they have the black one, Scary Spice, for diversity.  What was the audition for that spot like?  Did they try out, like, an Eskimo chick, Icy Spice, an Ethiopian chick, Malnutrition Spice, and an Italian chick, Hairy Armpits Spice?  My ultimate dream is that there’d be a Nazi Spice.  She could wear a black leather trench coat and carry a riding crop.  I’d let her Tickle Me Elmo if you know what I’m saying.

I think the Furbies and the Tamagotchis will go to war with each other, Masters-of-the-Universe-style.  You know how I know?  The Budweiser frogs told me.  Keep it under your trucker hat.

I was molested by the Pets.com sock puppet.  I thought it was Spuds Mackenzie, and before I noticed there was a human being attached to him he had his head halfway up my Blair Witch Project.  He said if I told anyone he’d come back and cut off my Pokemon, and then he said pets can’t drive.

Who let the dogs out?  This is question we’re all asking ourselves.

 

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100 to Watch Under 100

A look at the people who will shape the future of our world.

Today’s phenoms are tomorrow’s achievers.  The 100 individuals on this list may not be household names, but these up-and-comers are certain to make their mark.  So watch out, all you centenarians, because these hot, fast-rising stars are on the brink of blowing you away with their fresh ideas and bold, turbocharged, take-no-prisoners approach.  Read more »

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Excerpt from the Secret Amalgamated Handbook

……….If the conspiracy theorists are right, Amalgamated Corporation has long kept a secret handbook that, in many iterations, has recorded its history and philosophy.  Never before seen by the outside world, the book, which has been compared to Mein Kampf and the Malleus Maleficarum, may have surfaced in 2009 disguised as a script for an Adam Sandler vehicle.  If authentic, it represents the first look inside this opaque organization, which Noam Chomsky has called “the fount of all fondue and evil in this world.”

 

WARNING: Reading may cost you your life. . . or your sanity!

Read more »

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The Seven Basic Plots

            From Gilgamesh to Snow White, from Beowulf to the Pink Panther, every culture has had its myths and legends.  But while the props and settings may change, the spirit remains the same, because the spirit is imprinted on our very souls (according to the fossil record, the soul evolved into its present form sometime between 200,000 B.C. and Descartes’s pronouncement “Cogito ergo sum”).  Now, for the first time ever, renowned scientist and author Robert Pritchard goes deep undercover to bring you the secrets of narrative hard-wired into every human brain.  In his forthcoming tome, he reveals the seven basic plots to which all stories, no matter how outré, must conform.  So come, Mesdames et Messieurs, on a magic carpet ride to find the secrets behind “Once upon a time. . .” 

            1) The Hero’s Quest.  The Hero—strong, honest, and with magnificent cuticles—is summoned to a great adventure and must leave his cozy home (a metaphor for the womb), swim across a river (a metaphor for the uterine channel), and use a pair of comically oversized scissors to perform the ribbon-cutting ceremony at the grand opening of a new Jiffy Lube (a metaphor for the cutting of the umbilical cord).  The Hero confronts a villain, or sometimes a nefarious city council.  He overthrows the villain by crushing him in a game of Connect Four, and finally wins the love of a fair maiden, who is usually revealed to have been a robot all along. 

            2) Overcoming Pauly Shore.  The Hero learns that Pauly Shore is terrorizing the kingdom, devastating cities, leaving millions dead and maimed in his wake, and sets out to stop him.  After much struggle, Pauly Shore’s rampage is ended, but Shore himself proves impossible to kill.  Instead, the Hero traps Shore inside a magic lamp from which he cannot escape. . . that is, unless some unfortunate wanderer should find it and accidentally unleash the deadly evil, thus repeating a cycle as old as time itself.  This is one of the most popular plots, forming the basis for such films as Encino Man, Son-in-Law, and Bio-Dome.  Sometimes Pauly Shore is disguised as a killer shark (Jaws), a killer snake (Anaconda), killer spiders (Arachnophobia), killer rats (Ratatouille), killer tomatoes (Attack of the Killer Tomatoes), or killer pastry (American Pie).  

            3) Rags to Riches.  With pluck and spunk (in a 3 to 1 ratio), a Hero in possession of some rags trades them for a huge amount of gold or, in some cultures, 50,000 shares of Google Series A preferred stock.  The End.  Examples include Cinderella, Risky Business, Taxi Driver, Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song, My Dinner with Andre, Le Chien Andalou, In the Realm of the Senses, and Porky’s.  

            4) Voyage and Return.  The Hero enters a magical land where normal rules of reality and logic don’t apply, leading to the Hero ordering a Teriyaki Whopper at a Burger King and receive an elaborate Nouvelle Cuisine meal, including a salmon salad in croustades amuse-bouché, chilled cucumber soup, a scallop and organic kale arrangement with an orange-infused reduction, and, inexplicably, a shoe horn for dessert.  The Hero swaggers from the Burger King, guzzling a bottle of V-8 juice, a big sloppy grin on his face.  Life as he knows it will never be the same.  This plot provides an opportunity for the protagonist to explore his fears and symbolically conquer them, but, unfortunately, the protagonist is usually too traumatized and psychologically scarred to function in normal society after returning from the fairy tale land.  Up to 15% of them end up committing suicide, and another 20% are institutionalized until such time as they are no longer a danger to themselves or others.  For instance, in later life most of the Pevensie kids bounced around between various mental hospitals and prisons, and one eventually became famous under the moniker “The Finchley Strangler” (Lucy).  

            5) Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.  After the death of Spock, Kirk learns that Spock’s spirit, or katra, is held in the mind of Dr. McCoy, so Kirk and company steal the Enterprise to return Spock’s body to his home planet. The crew must also contend with hostile Klingons, led by Kruge (Christopher Lloyd), bent on stealing the secrets of a powerful terraforming device.  I think the universal applications of this one are self-explanatory. 

            6) Tragedy.  Something about a king who is real bad, but then he receives a new Xbox.  

            7) Stories that involve Seth Rogen.  From time immemorial, stories have attained resonance by following the ancient laws that are hard-wired into our brains.  We identify with Hamlet because he’s a snappy dresser, or with Victor Frankenstein because he stole corpses from graveyards and sewed their parts together into a grotesque ogre, then brought the hideous abomination to life.  But starting in 1912, a revolutionary new form of story emerged.  It was a violation, a perversion of everything we held dear.  It deconstructed the old certainties, reflecting, some said, the doubt and bewilderment of a generation adrift in a vast, Godless universe full of horror and degradation.  We are speaking, of course, of stories that involve Seth Rogen.  This mutant, this homunculus, has warped and twisted our very DNA, spawning a race of monsters.  The Seth Rogen era began slowly, with no stories that involve Seth Rogen being produced between 1912 and 1982.  Still, the seeds were there.  In 1982 the first stories that involve Seth Rogen appeared in the world, in the form of Polaroids too unspeakable to describe.  The prevalence of stories that involve Seth Rogen gradually increased, until, in 2007, there occurred an explosion of stories that involve Seth Rogen.  If our forecasts are not in error, a hundred years from now someone will discover the hundred volumes of the Second Encyclopedia of Rogen.  Then English and French and mere Spanish will disappear from the globe. The world will be Rogen. I pay no attention to all this. . .

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The Seven Basic Plots

I wrote this the other day, intending to polish it later, but on further examination of the SBP book, I don’t feel the book is worth the investment.  Here, therefore, is an unfinished polemic.

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In 2004 Christopher Booker, a British journalist, published The Seven Basic Plots, a book that purports to show that all stories conform to one or more of seven basic archetypes.  Everything is either Overcoming the Monster, Rags to Riches, The Quest, Voyage and Return, Comedy, Tragedy, Rebirth, or a combination.  (There are also two auxiliary plots: Rebellion and Mystery, bringing the total to nine.)  Aside from some of these being rather broad, one of the biggest problems is he’s never entirely clear if he’s saying that other types of stories can’t be written or that, if written, they will not be “resonant.”  If the former, the theory may be disproved by the production of a story that doesn’t conform to a Basic Plot; and if the latter, he’s susceptible to the “No True Scotsman” fallacy (A: “All Scotsmen enjoy haggis.”  B: “But my Uncle Hamish is Scottish and he hates haggis.  A: “Well, he is clearly no true Scotsman, because all true Scotsmen enjoy it.”), i.e., any story that doesn’t conform is dismissed as “non-resonant.” He does say “it is virtually impossible for any story-teller to ever entirely break away” (6), but in a book full of stridently categorical statements, this one is notably hedged (twice: with virtually and entirely).  “Any effective work of art always combines. . . “  (552); the certainty of that always is negated by the question-begging of that effective.  Sometimes he writes that all stories must conform to the archetypes, and at other times that stories will be more or less successful depending on to what extent they conform to the archetypes, a contradiction.

I’m also still not sure whether the fact that all stories conform to one of these plots is supposed to be proof they’re innate, or if their innateness is supposed to be proof that all stories must conform to them.  Probably, my guess is, both at once.  Wherever possible, he attributes the causes of behavior to the ancestral environment, and then takes the evolutionary origin of the behavior as proof of its depth and importance, speaking with a special sort of confidence precisely because the evidence can only be inferred.  Most of the time he says the archetypes arise out of instincts, but sometimes he says the opposite.  Chapter 34, “The Age of Loki,” is devoted to the idea that, starting around the beginning of the 19th century, a great change or rupture took place: “up to that time the vast majority of stories imagined by mankind had reflected an instinctive harmony with the values of the Self.  But now something unprecedented happened” (648); “in the past two centuries, something extraordinary and highly significant has happened to story-telling in the western world” (7).  He calls it a “psychic earthquake,” “marked out [...] from almost anything the world had seen before.”  Storytelling, he claims, underwent “trivialization”, “disintegration”, “perversion,” and “violation”.  But surely, unless he wishes to postulate a change in the human organism since 1800, this indicates that the causes of these modern stories lie in the personal environmental histories of their creators, not in a general genetic inheritance from our ancestors.  It cannot be the case that innate structures of the human organism necessarily manifest themselves in the telling of stories of certain kinds, and simultaneously, that a particular culture, suddenly and recently, began to produce quite a different kind of story.

Booker is a Platonist; that is, he believes ideas create reality rather than vice versa.  “The prevailing mood of the ‘Roaring Twenties’ was that of a great burst of liberated energy, reflected in all the nervous frenzy and hedonistic materialism” (661).  He believes that what actually happened in the 1920′s were only symptoms or manifestations of much more important events occurring on some other plane of existence, events whose existence can only be inferred: “nervous frenzy and hedonistic materialism” were mere “reflections” of the “liberated energy.”  The rise in the DJIA, the Charleston, the Model T, and the Manhattan skyline were all “manifestations of the spirit of the age.”  Of course, the only evidence any such spirit existed, is the phenomena it was invented to explain.

It amounts to inventing a God in the image of man, and then using the similarity between the two as evidence that man was created by God.

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Booker believes that every aspect of behavior of all species except humans is fully genetically determined.  He continually uses the most categorical phrases: “knows only one way,” “governed by instinct at every step,” “operate entirely instinctively,” “governed entirely by instinct,” “must always follow the same model,” and “every other species is wholly instinctive” (italics mine throughout).  I may accept that worms or other very simple organisms truly can operate in only one way, but for most species, including the examples he uses, he’s not correct.  If his statements about instinct quoted above were true, it would be impossible to train a dog to heel, shake, or basically anything else, because these are not instinctive behaviors shaped by the dog’s ancestral environment of hunting in packs on the central Asian steppe.  Booker writes, “When a lion feels hungry, it knows only one way to satisfy that urge, which is to identity some suitable prey, track it down and kill it” (p.549).  This description obtusely ignores what lions actually do.  Lions do in fact train to hunt.  A mother starts her cubs out with small or wounded prey.  Later they assist in hunting larger prey in company.  Finally they can hunt independently or as the leader of a group.  A lion raised in captivity will not hunt, or will do so ineffectively, if it has not had these experiences.  No doubt a lion does have some propensity toward hunting, but their ancestral environment has not been so stable, in important aspects, as to give them “genetically coded instructions which enable the individual animal in every way to relate to the world around it.”  The Earth’s diurnality has been a stable feature of the ancestral environment long enough to create, probably*, species fully and permanently adapted to it, but in other aspects, such as what the most common prey species will be, the environment has not been so stable; hence the species would be well-served to maintain some flexibility.  This flexibility lies in the fact that what the organism inherits is not a totalizing repertoire of behaviors controlling every aspect of life, but a capacity to be affected by its environment in certain ways.  A lion endowed with genetically determined behaviors specifically adapted for hunting wildebeest would be at a disadvantage if the most plentiful prey species is impala.  The point is the individual organism’s environmental history and immediate environment are as important as its ancestral environment.  But that doesn’t work for Booker, whose theory demands that the “universals” he sees in various stories be the creation of innate structures of the human organism.

And that brings us to another point he never makes clear: does he believe these structures are physical, or only conceptual?  If the latter, how are they transmitted from generation to generation**?  We now know that, as hard as it is to imagine, what one is aware of when one is angry, jealous, or euphoric, is a state of one’s own body in exactly the same sense that one is aware of hunger pains or the onset of appendicitis.  Emotions and thoughts are physical states, involving the movements of physical objects, because there is nothing else for them to be.  It makes no sense to say there’s any aspect of an organism which is genetically controlled that is not created by the organism’s physical structures.  What is conceptual cannot be genetically caused, because genetic causes create physical structures only.  Again, the SBP theory is fuzzy on this, but neither alternative makes much sense in its context.

* But of course we can only assume this, and not really know, until we have the opportunity to raise lions in, say, a permanently crepuscular environment.

** And if the former, how could we see the human organism change behaviors too quickly to be accounted for by Darwinian processes?

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Booker’s sexual politics are notably retrograde.  John Berger summarized the division of labor between the sexes thus: men act, women appear; Booker agrees whole-heartedly.  For him, satisfactory resolution is achieved only when the sexes accept their natural, essential roles.

Booker also barely notices any non-Western stories, aside from “creation myths.”  Excluding mythology, the number of non-Western stories, out of perhaps 300 total analyzed in the book, can be counted on one’s fingers.  If you exclude borderline cases (e.g., Longfellow’s Hiawatha), only one hand is needed.

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Booker’s theory is most risible when applied to real-world events.  The rise and fall of Napoleon and Hitler, the French and Russian Revolutions, the Roman Civil War of 32-30 BC, the Falklands War, all enact some archetype or another, which are “not just an arbitrary construct of the human imagination.”  The history of the 20th century is the history of the fluctuation between the forces of the Self (good) and the Ego (bad).  Again, I’m uncertain as to whether he’s saying events unfolded the way they did because an archetype caused them to do so, or if they could have unfolded a different way but would not have been “resonant” if they had.  One might call the former the “strong” version, and the latter the “weak.”  If anything, Booker seems to come down on the side of the strong version; we see, he writes, the same pattern of events “constantly being acted out in the world around us, because it is the pattern of what may follow whenever people […] are drawn to embark on a course of action based on ego-centered fantasy.”  In 17th century England, 18th century France, and 20th century Russia, “the unconscious logic of the fantasy led eventually to the murder of the King/Father.”

His most detailed analysis is of the Second World War: after an Anticipation Stage ending in 1933, Hitler’s Dream Stage reached its height in 1940, followed by a two year Frustration Stage, and then a Nightmare Stage.  Here Booker seems to contradict himself, because whereas in most places he pays obeisance to the exalted freedom of the human will, in some cases he suggests that people had no choice but to act as they did: for example, after a momentary check in the failure of his proposed invasion of Britain, “it was in the nature of Hitler’s dream-state that this merely fired up his fantasy to yet greater heights, as when in 1941 he invaded, firstly, Yugoslavia and Greece, and finally, in his greatest gamble of all, the Soviet Union.”  First, don’t you think that the Yugoslavian coup of March 27, 1941, had more to do with Hitler’s decision to invade that country than what was in the nature of his dream-state?  Second, the only proof that Hitler was bound to invade more countries was that he did in fact invade them; had the Soviet Union appeared intimidatingly strong, I doubt Hitler’s dream-state would have still counseled so vigorously for its invasion.  Once again, imaginary actions, taking place on some magical level of the psyche, are constructed in the image of overt actions, and are then used as explanations for those same actions.

All he has done is reframe the question from, “Why did Hitler invade the Soviet Union?” to “Why did Hitler’s psyche tell him to invade the Soviet Union?”  Does this reframing represent an advance in understanding?  Are we closer to answering the question by reframing it in this way?  The truth is, rather, that the question has receded from understanding, because instead of dealing with actual facts that might possibly be relevant—e.g., statistics of relative demographic and economic strength—we now have to deal with surrogates for those facts interacting in an inaccessible realm of the mind.  I think it’s clear that whatever was in Hitler’s mind was derived primarily from Hitler’s environment.  It’s that relationship between the environment and the behavior of the organisms in it that needs to be studied.  Booker would study that relationship also, but not directly; instead, he invents mental surrogates, and these surrogates then become the subject of his science.  He writes that during the Blitz, “the British people had never felt so united,” as though what mattered was what they felt, rather than what caused them to feel that way.

If Hitler’s life is an example of the archetype of Overcoming the Monster, what of tyrants like Stalin or Mao, who were arguably as bad in some ways, yet were victorious and never suffered in the slightest way for their crimes?

Here we see the ridiculousness of Platonism.  Hitler was defeated by the armies of the US and the Soviet Union, not by a “titanic concentration of masculine values” (581).  Britain in 1941 was defended by the pilots of the RAF, not by “Churchill’s rock-like presence focus[ing] his countrymen’s resolve with a manly strength” (667).  The judgment of what Churchill’s presence was like is mainly post facto; had Britain been invaded, his presence would be thought considerably less rock-like and his strength much less manly.  Instead, he would have been seen as deluded or foolhardy.  As Marx wrote, “It is not the consciousness of man that creates his being, but, rather, his social being which creates his consciousness.”  If ideas are posited as underlying causes, one still must answer the question, “What caused the ideas?”; whereas if the material world is posited as the underlying cause no such problem arises, because the material world needs no specific cause to exist or change; its particles simply have existence a priori, and move and change on their own.  It has long been observed that certain attitudes dominate in certain settings; e.g., the thoughts of Ayn Rand are said to be quite popular among people who work in the financial industry.  It would be consistent with Booker’s Platonism to say that the financial industry emerged as a creation of the attitudes of its workers.  Of course, this would require that the attitudes came into existence first, which is not only usually demonstrably not the case, but raises the question of, “From where did the attitudes come?”  Booker would surely answer, “From its possessor’s own mind,” which is tantamount to, “It’s magic.”  A more reasonable answer seems to be, the conditions, especially the social conditions, under which financial workers live created in them their attitudes.

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If it is true that behavior is controlled, partially or otherwise, by unconscious archetypes, and if historical events necessarily follow these patterns, it must also be true that knowledge of archetypes could be used to predict the future.  It’s easy to describe how past events conform to some imagined story, but if that story is indeed “not just an arbitrary construct of the human imagination,” but a real feature of the world, then if one were able to identify, say, an Anticipation Stage while it was actually happening, then knowledge of the forthcoming Dream Stage could be profitably used.  No doubt knowledge that German forces on the eastern front in 1943 were in a Frustration Stage would have been valuable to Soviet generals?  But what Anticipation Stages are we witnessing today?  In terms of, say, US-Iran relations, are we on the verge of Overcoming the Monster, or are they?  If knowledge of archetypes fails to predict, say, the course of a future revolution, then there’s no reason to believe it has any more validity as an analysis of the past.

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Another serious problem is Booker’s treatment of works that seem to offer the strongest counter-examples.  Beckett, for instance, along with such works in other media as John Cage’s “4.33″ and the paintings of Ad Reinhardt, is a “dead end;” perhaps, but what does that say about the SBP theory?  If, in these works, the “tradition of story-telling […] was at last being sucked down into a black hole of nothingness,” what does that indicate about the alleged story-telling instinct which “the evolutionary process has developed in us” (543)?  He does not ever really deal with Beckett’s less accessible works—Krapp’s Last Tape, Breathe, Not I, The Lost Ones—except to dismiss them, or at all with Alain Robbe-Grillet, Michel Butor, Le Chien Andalou, Finnegans Wake, Oulipo, B.S. Johnson, Jorge Luis Borges, Eugene Ionesco, John Barth, Ronald Sukenick, David Markson, Richard Kostelantetz, the Codex Seraphinianus, or the ending of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  If the SBP are universal, innate features of the human psyche, what enabled these writers and works to come to be?

Human beings display a wide range of behaviors, but Booker would claim that some of these behaviors are “natural,” arising from the ancestral environment, and hence good, while others are “unnatural,” by which he apparently means arising from the individual’s immediate environment and personal environmental history, and hence bad.  Not only is this the naturalistic fallacy, but he offers no evidence, other than the phenomena requiring explanation, that the specific behaviors of story-telling in conformance with the archetypes really are genetic.

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This is a side issue, but one may be interested to know that Booker has spoken favorably of the theory of intelligent design, which is, according to him, a “movement gathering way among many respected scientists in the US and elsewhere who have become profoundly sceptical about the adequacy of Darwinian natural selection to explain the complexities of evolution.”  The conventional theory of evolution, on the other hand, “rest[s its] case on nothing more than blind faith and unexamined a priori assumptions.”*  I doubt I have to explain what quality of mind holds these views.  This is perhaps irrelevant to his views on narrative, except that he bases so much of his arguments in that field on (garbled) evolutionary claims.

*http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1495664/Christopher-Bookers-notebook.html

 

Categories: Analysis and criticism, Non-Fiction, Writing | Leave a comment

Fingerprints of the Secret Masters

            The scene: a lavish corner office, at night, high above the sparkling lights of Manhattan.  Everybody else has gone home, but one man remains.  He is David Remnick, editor-in-chief of the New Yorker.  He paces, chews his nails; perhaps he smokes, stubbing out on cigarette after another, filling up the ashtray. 

            The phone rings.  Remnick answers it.  “Hello?” 

            The voice on the other end is digitally altered.  “Mr. Remnick.” 

            “This is he, sir.” 

            “George Balanchine.  You know him?” 

            “The ballet choreographer?  Yes, sir.” 

            “Start mentioning him in the magazine.  A lot.” 

            Remnick furrows his brow.  “But he died in 1983, sir.  It might be hard to find plausible reasons to mention a rather minor cultural figure who’s been dead for 24 years.” 

            The voice laughs.  “You’ll find a way.” 

            Click. 

            The voice need not issue any warning or threat.  Remnick already knows all too well what would happen should he fail to carry out his orders.  Everybody remembers what happened to Saddam, to JFK, to Mussolini, Nicholas II, and Ernst Stavro Blofeld when they dared to defy the wishes of the secret masters.  Now it was Remnick’s turn to hear the music.  

            The secret rulers of the world appear in no headlines, no photographs.  No one knows their names.  But occasionally traces of their presence can be discerned.  An individual may rise to power, or fall from grace.  Suddenly, pirates sail from the Somali coast or a woman is trampled to death by shoppers at a suburban Long Island Wal-mart the day after Thanksgiving.  From these “fingerprints,” we can deduce a portion of their plan. . .

Number of annual mentions of George Balanchine in the New Yorker

1999: 5

2000: 3

2001: 7

2002: 5

2003: 7

2004: 9

2005: 8

2006: 4

2007: 30

2008: 28

2009: 31

2010: 31

            What changed in 2007?  Why did the secret masters decide that this long-dead choreographer should forthwith be mentioned so often in the New Yorker?  Was it related to the founding of Sikhism, which occurred exactly 500 years before—were the two events symbionts, two stages in one plan?  Or was it related to the discovery of Gliese 581 c, a potentially habitable Earth-like planet in orbit around a star in the constellation Libra, which the secret masters intend to colonize as their future home after the Earth is too ecologically devastated to support civilization?  Did it have something to do with Britney Spears?  We will probably never know the truth, until it’s too late—until the re-animated zombie corpse of Balanchine is elected President!  And yet this too is only the first step. . .

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Pritchardian Exceptionalism

         My fellow Americans, I am a firm believer in Pritchardian exceptionalism.  As the greatest individual in the world, I have unique responsibilities and moral obligations.  Responsibilities and obligations you probably don’t understand, as you are not as great as I.  That’s why some have questioned my recent action of pushing a fourth-grader to the ground when he tried to take the last slice of quiche at a funeral last week.  Hence, I’d like to take a moment to explain what I’ve done, what I plan to do, and why this matters to me.

         When my interests and values are at stake, I have a responsibility to act.  As the most indispensable person in the world, if I am weakened in any way, all hope is lost.  Such was the situation that confronted us when little Jonathan reached for the quiche.  I wasn’t really hungry, but I knew if I didn’t eat something I might become hungry later.  True, I had already eaten six of the eight slices, but I wanted another.  It was no selfishness that drove me, but an honest appraisal of the necessity of me having one more slice. 

         Some would claim that because it was his grandmother in the casket, I should have simply let him have the quiche.  Some would say I wasn’t entitled to the food at all, as I didn’t know the deceased or any of the bereaved and had in fact merely wandered into the funeral home to use the bathroom.  Clearly they are not as exceptional as I.  The truth is I would not be living up to my sacred and moral obligation to continue to live and eat if I did not use all necessary measures. 

         Some have criticized me for excessive force.  But truly, one must ask oneself, was not the amount of force used, if anything, the very essence of restraint?  This time-limited, scope-limited physical action was judiciously conceived and executed, in less than one second.  Besides, I think Jonathan is milking that elbow injury. 

         Ask yourself, if what I did was so bad, who would you rather have done it?  The Chinese?  The Russians?  You’re lucky I was the one to shove little Jonathan, because they would have shoved him much harder. 

         Also, I happen to know that Jonathan is a bad little boy.  Even though his grandmother just passed away, I detected that he wasn’t crying with enough fervor.  How could he even think of eating at a time like that?  In fact, that I should have shoved him aside on my way to the buffet table is truly karmic, an act of divine justice, of the naturally self-correcting mechanism of the cosmos. 

         I know there are those who would seek to blame a Pritchard first.  These elitists, acting from a deep-seated hatred of me, would deny that I am the greatest force for good the world has ever known.  They see me, it seems, as being somehow imperfect.  This is wrong.  The crux of the issue is this: we must never accept any limit on the right of me to do whatever I want.  Anyone who apologizes for my actions is only giving aid and comfort to my enemies. 

         Thank you.  God bless you, and may God bless me and keep me safe.  (Cue for applause.)

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Goldfarb Chooses an Angel

            Goldfarb leafed through the Victoria’s Secret catalogue and debated, which of the models should he fantasize about while masturbating?  First he went through the catalogue quickly, giving each model a brief but fair appraisal, and noting with a tick made with a red felt tip pen in the corner of each glossy page the ones he thought the most promising.  Then he returned to the first page and went through the catalogue again slowly, looking at all the models but paying special attention to the ones he had marked.  The next step was to do the same thing, but in reverse, because looking at them in a different order sometimes stimulating different feelings.  Sometimes, Goldfarb thought, after looking at a number of blondes, he, upon seeing a brunette, thought that he found brunettes more attractive than blondes, but sometimes just the opposite was true.  For the same reason his fourth pass through the catalogue was random, and he spent the next quarter of an hour opening to random pages and studying the models on those pages intently, and marking off the pages he had already looked at on a list of the page numbers on a separate sheet of blank paper so that he gave each model an equal chance and no model was viewed more than once.  Next he wrote the page numbers and names—Goldfarb knew that the models’ names were likely merely the inventions of the catalogue copywriters, but he still liked to refer to them by their names, as he felt it humanized what he was well aware were photographs taken in some photography studio where women he would never meet had been photographed, and then assembled into the catalogue by catalogue-assembly professionals, and also he felt it lessened the possibly very icky and/or exploitative and/or retrogressive and/or chauvinistic character of his imaginings involving the models, which was without their consent even if it was, Goldfarb told himself, although even in the telling he was aware of the possibly ickily self-justifying rationalizations that line of reasoning involved, harmless, although he sometimes wondered how it affected him socially, to have imagined these women whom he would never meet in flagrante delicto with him, namely, Goldfarb, vis-à-vis the women he might very well meet and in fact did meet throughout the course of his quotidian life—of the models he thought were  the best candidates on the separate sheet of blank paper, now of course no longer blank because it bore, in neat red all-caps in red felt tip pen in a long vertical column, all the page numbers in the catalogue, each with a short diagonal slash through it indicating he had looked at that page in accordance with his procedures.  Having selected a shortlist of the best candidates he then repeated the above procedures for them, i.e., looking at each of them quickly, then slowly, then in reverse order both quickly and slowly—this last being an addition to this latter stage of the process, being a step not present in the beginning stages, which perhaps represented a kind of slackening, a kind of giving less than one’s best effects, a kind of surrender to the demands of a finite lifetime, which made him, should he have stopped to think about it, which he did not exactly do in an explicit sense but it did seem to perhaps affect him slightly unconsciously, depressed, if that was not too strong a word, and perhaps he would have said, had he stopped to think about it, which he did not exactly do in an explicit sense, that the sense the demands of a finite lifetime inspired in him more a kind of vague discontent or restlessness, rather than of depression, with his lot in life, which after all consisted largely of elaborate procedures designed to select the best model in the Victoria’s Secret catalogue about whom to fantasize when he masturbated—and, looking through these top candidates, in what was perhaps his favorite part of the procedure because by this stage all the models who had survived the process of elimination thus far were excellent candidates, unlike when he first started and there were many whom he would have liked to discard right away but to whom his sense of conscientiousness drove him to give them a fair consideration, he was able to narrow the list down by stages to a final candidate and, laying the catalogue across he countertop he was about to get to business, when he was interrupted by a knock on the door. 

            “What in God’s name is taking you so long?” his mother screeched.  “Other people need to use the bathroom too, you know!”

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Life and Times of the “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” Bro

            If, years ago, you had told me that I, a mild-mannered bro, would someday become a minor celebrity for my star-making, Three’s Company-esque turn as the unemployed stoner housemate of Gary Sinise in the Kevin Costner witchcraft trials and then, later, for being tased by security guards at a forum with John Kerry at the University of Florida, I would have said, “You’re crazy,” and “Who’s John Kerry?”  Yet I swear, everything I have written here is 100% true, except for this sentence. 

            I had just come off a widely praised Broadway revival of The Importance of Being Ernest, having been singled out for my “transformational*” (*Nathan Lane) performance as Bunbury.  Also I was making beaucoup bucks selling the cars I got when people just handed me their keys as I stood outside Sardi’s every evening in a red vest.  But what I really wanted to do was write, because I had heard it involved serifs, of which I was a big fan.  So I went to a party in Hollywood—hoping to network with some bros who might be able to tell me what order the letters of the alphabet go in—when this girl walked in and it was like the universe was sending me a message: the good kind, not the kind where you end up playing Tigger in an open-air, all-nude adaptation of The House at Pooh Corner in South Central L.A. 

            Coolly, I approached her, handed her a rose, and launched a droll conversational gambit: “Y’know, studies show more Americans watch TV than fuck raccoons.”  She was intrigued, I could tell.  She asked what I did for a living, and even though at that point all I had written were some random letters in a crossword puzzle on the back of a box of Count Chocula, I confidently announced, “I’m a writer.” 

            She said, “Have you written anything I might have heard of?” 

            “Have you heard of the New York Times?” 

            “Yeah.” 

            “Well, I wrote that.” 

            “Really.” 

            “Oh yeah.  Didn’t even take too long either.” 

            Needless to say, after that we were inseparable for nearly thirty seconds, and after I was released from prison (muchas gracias to all the bros at Cell Block D for such a lovely send-off, that chocolate mousse went straight to my thighs; p.s., I’m sending you the bill for the dry cleaning—j/k, love ya!) I knew I had to do something to get her attention besides dressing as Optimus Prime, something that would identify me as a special bro with ideas and ambitions and all his teeth.  I followed her to somewhere in Florida where a certain “John Kerry” was interacting with the great unwashed, and when it was my turn to ask a question (“Why,” I would have asked, “in Back to the Future Part 3, did Doc and Marty ever think that two horses pulling an automobile over rough ground could possibly reach 88 miles per hour?”) but they were all like, “Time’s up,” and I was like, “Bro, that is so not cool.  A bro would let a bro ask a question.”  So the security guards came and that’s when I delivered my immortal catchphrase: “Don’t tase me, bro!”  But, alas, they did tase me.  They tased me hardcore.  All the tasing must have kicked in the Florence Nightingale syndrome, because she came over and tried to stop them.  So they tased her too.  Then me again.  Then both of us at once, plus they put fake fuzzy “antlers” on our heads.  But before they put me in the squad car I held out a diamond ring and said, “I gotta say, I could see us being bros.”  To make a long story short, she accepted and made me the happiest bro in the world except for people with Velcro shoes.  When I get out of prison she promises to tell me her name.

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Tales of Mystery

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We [Blank] You

            Do you have a moment?  Let’s step over here so we won’t be disturbed.  Y’know, a lot of people around here have been noticing what you’ve been doing, and I just want to let you know how much we—excuse me, I have to take this.  Hello?  Yes, nothing is in the intellect which is not first in the senses.  No, cut the green wire, don’t cut the red one.  Goodbye.  Now where were we?  Ah yes, I was just saying how we all really—just one second.  Jimmy, hail fellow, well met!  Just chilling with my peeps.  You know Jimmy, right?  Hey, what about them Steelers?  You know it, my man.  Catch you later.  Anyway, we all feel that you’re—is that man over there wearing a brown belt with black shoes?  Excuse me, hello I say, are you wearing a brown belt with black shoes?  That, sir, is a faux pas.  Well, same to you.  Listen, we wanted to say that we think you—y’know, in the Jonny Quest episode “The Devil’s Tower,” when Dr. Quest gets out of the plane on top of the plateau, he takes a rifle with him, but the gun is never seen or mentioned again.  It just disappears.  That always bothered me.  Wait, was I about to say something to you?  Why are you standing there with that look on your face?  Do I know you?  No, I will not give you a quarter. 

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Don’t Stand on My Ice Cubes

            Somebody is standing on my ice cubes.  Who is he?  Why is he standing on my ice cubes?  Where did he come from and how did he arrive at his present spatial location, namely, immediately above and contiguous to my ice cubes.  I hope other people don’t think it’s okay for them to stand on my ice cubes.  That would be an error in logic.  If they do think so, they will surely be disappointed when I tell them otherwise.  Then they will not be happy they stood on my ice cubes.  They will rue the day they stood on my ice cubes, as will that person presently standing on said ice cubes.  If there’s one message I’d like to impress upon people, it is this: don’t stand on my ice cubes. 

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You Never Know Who Has It

            You never know who has it.  The successful businessman in the Hugo Boss suit?  The high school quarterback?  The Hispanic mother of three?  You can’t tell who has it just by looking.  It’s not something that shows up on a supermarket bar-code reader.  You can’t check for it with a Geiger counter.  You could have it and not even know.  Maybe you have it and you’re afraid to tell.  Or maybe you don’t want to brag about having it.  Perhaps you take a drug to control it, or enhance it.  Side effects may include dry mouth, cold fingers, numb lips, inability to assemble phonemes into words, or lack of confidence in certain situations, such a deactivating a live nuclear bomb with no training.  If you are experiencing any of these conditions, please consult a metaphysician immediately.  But even he won’t be able to tell you whether or not you have it.

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