Washington, DC—
A new report issued by the Institute of Libertarian Science warns that within decades we may completely exhaust the earth’s supply of things to be worried that we’re exhausting the earth’s supply of.
“If we don’t start conserving the belief that there are things that need to be conserved, soon our entire stock of these beliefs will be gone,” Neil Paxson, a spokesperson for the Institute, said. “As early as the 19th century our society nearly depleted the idea of the near depletion of whale oil. Even as we speak we’re approaching the end of the belief that we’re approaching the end of oil reserves. Imagine a world in which we couldn’t read any more articles in Time or The Economist about the exhaustion of natural resources. That’s not a world I would want to live in.”
Edward Flynn (D-MA) has sponsored a bill to restrict the ability of scientists and journalists to needlessly publicize their fantasies about diminishing natural resources. “If we ration our irrational fears, we should have enough to last until an alternate source of fear can be developed,” the Senator said. “Without adequate supplies of fears about inadequate supplies of resources, an entire sector of our economy would collapse. If we don’t act now, our grandchildren have only a world of confidence in the endless exploitation of fossil fuels and ever-rising crop yields to look forward to.”
“Think of the children,” said suburban mother of two Susan Armstrong as she picketed the offices of Scientific American. “The excessive consumption of worries about the excessive consumption of resources must be stopped. For years, Scientific American has callously promoted allegations that supplies of oil, metals, and arable farmland are finite. Now they must pay for their crimes.”
The report has drawn criticism as well. Hank Haplong (R-LA) has said, “This country must never accept any form of limitation, especially not on our ability to worry about accepting forms of limitation.”
“This is just wild complacency-mongering,” said University of Chicago economist Niet vån Cluysvael. “As the scarcity of alarm about the scarcity of the cheap energy upon which our culture is based makes itself felt, the economy will become more efficient, and we will begin to get more use out of the alarm we have already. Ironically, this report will probably spur entrepreneurs to innovate even more fears about resource depletion. There’s nothing to worry about. There, there. Nothing at all.”