You are wanting to imitate esteemed writers of the past such as Dean Koontz, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, or Fritz the Cat, but you don’t know where to start? Relax now. Learn from me, your learned elder, how to write the easy way. I am qualified to teach writing because I am the author of many famous instruction manuals about writing. Whether your goal is writing a glorious paperback that will adorn a swiveling metal rack at an airport or a presentation for the big business client, writing is the way to do it. People who do not learn to write will eat bitterness. They are warned!
Utensils to write. Prepare yourself with the right “tools.” Something to write with: a pen, a feather, an acetylene torch. Something to write on: a paper, a computer, a cup of Bai Hai Yinzhen Tea. If using paper, be sure to orient the paper properly: i.e., write on the wide, flat surface, not on the edges. People who write on the edges of the paper rarely score multi-million dollar publishing deals, and even when they do, the bulk of their earnings are eaten up by paper costs. So think wisely.
Put the paper on something hard, such as an armadillo. If using a computer, wear Mickey Mouse-style gloves to protect self from radiation. Then comes time to write. What to write. What to write. This is where it gets tricky.
Experts agree: writing is a series of letters. Put the letters in the right order. But what letters?
Know your apparatus. There are many letters in the English language. Some of these letters have names, such as “Randall Cuisinart” (after the famous inventor of the Cuisinart space shuttle). Others are anonymous, such as this one letter that is on the left side of my keyboard that looks like the Four Pillars of Destiny pushing a baby stroller, in which rides an allegorical figure representing the People’s Revolutionary Will—nobody knows what this letter is called. Either way, you have to know your alphabet. If using a computer, some letters will be on the keyboard, but beware! Some keys will fool you! “SHIFT” is not a letter. Nor is “CAPS LOCK.” Most of the letters you want to use are grouped in the center of the keyboard, but do not rely on them overmuch. If you do, you will be restricted to writing unpopular words like “fjg” and “ghg” and “fgh.” You will not be popular if you write only these words. There are also letters that are not on the keyboard, such as the “shmoo.” It is imperative to use the shmoo in many important words.
If you are not using a computer, you will have to remember all the letters using your mind. This is impossible—there are too many! But if you have no choice, try to memorize a few “old favorites,” such as the “3.” If pressed, just say it is a backwards “E” and all is forgiven.
Assemblage of letters. When letters are grouped, they are called “words.” Some words are: “ur,” “lol,” and “SRSLY!” But careful! Without constant vigilance, words can dissolve back into their constituent letters. Hyphenated words are especially likely to break at their weak spot: the hyphen. If your words fall off the page, do not step on them—they may gum up the treads of your shoe, thus making it slippery to walk. Instead, coax them back onto the page with promises of two-for-one Mai Tais.
Assemble words until you have 90,000 of them. Then take a break to ingest consumables. Plot points may be resolved with an Ouija board. Advanced students are encouraged to experiment with such concepts as “paragraphs” and “punctuation.”
Others. Not all wish to write the best books such as native English-speaking A. E. van Vogt’s World of Null-A, which contains the line: “His leveling off on a basis of unqualified boldness permitted no prolonged time gap.” Fortunately, there are other types of writing forms.
Business presentations: Wear a suit and try not to drool; at least, not on other people.
The Poetry: This is to be avoided. You never will score a million dollars with the poetry.
Romance: Put Fabio on the cover and your name embossed in gold. Serves 50 million satisfied readers. Rinse and repeat.
Final tips. To be a writer, you must do two things: get a top name to blurb your book, and appear on talk shows with celebs. Try to have no arms or something—readers will be more impressed if they know you wrote the book without arms. Otherwise, try to look like Tom Cruise. For that, I cannot help you, but good plastic surgeons can be found through the yellow pages in Tijuana or Kuala Lumpur. In the meanwhile, follow my simple steps and writing can be exxxkd#3x@%£*¥&!