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100 to Watch Under 100

Posted by on June 14, 2011

A look at the people who will shape the future of our world.

Today’s phenoms are tomorrow’s achievers.  The 100 individuals on this list may not be household names, but these up-and-comers are certain to make their mark.  So watch out, all you centenarians, because these hot, fast-rising stars are on the brink of blowing you away with their fresh ideas and bold, turbocharged, take-no-prisoners approach. 


1) A man whose mustache and frowny expression have earned him a reputation as a deep thinker, Thomas Friedman has published a weekly column in the New York Times since 1995—almost all of which he wrote himself.  Absurdly accomplished for 57, his interests include globalization, the Palestinian peace process, and mixed metaphors.  And if his clumsy writing style and naïve, even child-like political opinions often reveal his youth and inexperience, one must make allowances for that fact that he’s only been at it for 30 years.  Just think what the next 30 will bring!


2) With boyish good looks that belie his 88 years, media magnate Sumner Redstone continues to wow has an owner of stupendously large corporations.  Few people, whether older or younger, can match his acumen in owning giant media conglomerates.  If it’s true that his autobiography, A Passion to Win, was mainly the product of a ghostwriter, one must remember how amazing it is that someone so young has accomplished enough to fill the pages of an autobiography.  The future undoubtedly holds even more brilliant examples of his knack for owning colossal companies.


3) Mitch McConnell seems to have gotten very far in life for someone who looks like a priggish schoolmarm who can’t get it up.  In only 69 years, he has risen to the position of Senator in what we’re told is a very important legislative body the name of which escapes us.  While there, he has always done what his masters tell him to do, thus earning him a series of gold stars as one of the best little boys in his class.


4) Despite having done absolutely nothing up to the age of 64, we feel confident that Diane von Furstenberg will someday accomplish something.  Until such time, she will probably continue to grin like jack-o-lantern and have grotesquely orange skin, her two main occupations up till now.

5) In the 1970’s O.J. Simpson was a famous child prodigy who was very skilled at football for his age, and although it’s true his career has slowed down of late, we feel it’s only a matter of time before he wins another “Heisman Trophy” (apparently, some kind of participation award given to football-playing students).  At 63, he’s just a spring chicken!

6) Number one on everybody’s list of people we most wish would just die already, Donald Trump isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, because he’s only 64!  In fact, he’s just getting started!  This loathsome turd has many years of reality-tv-show-hosting yet to come.  And even at his tender age, this despicable sack of shit has already authored many books, including Trump (1987), Trump (1990), Trump (1991), Trump (1997), Trump (2004), Trump (2005), Trump (2007), and Trump (2008).  No one knows what the future holds in store for this young harbinger of the downfall of our civilization.

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