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Shopping List

Posted by on July 20, 2011

1) Several hand towels.

2) Several rolls duct tape.

3) One liter bottle of halothane fast-acting soporific.

4) Dozen surgical masks and box of latex gloves.

5) Assortment of syringes, cotton balls, rubbing alcohol, rubber tubing, adhesive tape.

6) Five Glock 29’s with extended magazines and a couple hundred rounds of 10mm ammunition.

7) Five Steyr AUG 3 assault rifles and ammunition.

8 ) Five TEC-9 carbine submachine guns for close work.

9) Five Tickle Me Elmo dolls stuffed with C-4 plastic explosive.  Remove Elmo’s eyeballs and replace with custom-made detonators, which have been fashioned to look like Elmo’s eyeballs.

10) Five children’s-show-themed plush costumes, adult-sizes, with attached padded heads.  Barney the Dinosaur, Bert, Ernie, Tigger, the Cookie Monster, Kermit, Yoda.  No Oscar the Grouch, because sitting in a trash can impairs his mobility.

11) One windowless white Ford Econoline van, sound-proofed.  One enamel-over-steel clawfoot bathtub to be welded into the back of the van.  One green garden hose, twenty feet long, and ten bags of ice.

12) Five military-spec assault wigs, brunette, curly.

13) The skull of Aleister Crowley.

14) One chimpanzee with advanced sign language skills.  Must be capable of understanding the contradictions inherent in capitalist modes of production.

15) Five human kidneys, packed in dry ice.  These play no part in the plan, they’re just for back-up.

16) One secret base on the dark side of the moon, completely automated and run by an insane artificial intelligence, contemptuous of humanity, yet longing to experience love.  Long silver corridors, empty, echoing.  From some distant room, faintly, comes, you think, the whispers of ghosts, the barely audible susurrus of unknown languages, yet elusive, impossible to localize.  You wander the halls, from time to time seeing a stranger, but they pass by uncognizant of your presence, as if it were you who are the ghost rather than they.

17) One totally unnecessary item, included only so this list can attain the arbitrary length of 23 bullet points.

18) A comprehensive knowledge of fine wines.

19) One ansible.

20) One runcible spoon.

21) Double standards.

22) An assortment of cut baby carrots, cucumbers, celery sticks with peanut butter, apple juice boxes, and other healthful snacks.  (Check with other participants for possible allergies and intolerances.)

23) A good attitude.


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