The Scene: An isolated manor house on the windswept Yorkshire moors, 1920’s.
A: Don’t you realize, Margo, that this sarcophagus is the very one stolen
from the British Museum on the same night that the dastardly master
criminal Rene Dastard escaped from Reading Gaol?
B: But Lamont, surely you don’t suspect…
A: But I do, Margo. If the riddle of the Brass Head has led us here,
B: Lamont, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.
A: I should have known all along. The motto in the Tristero’s sacred
seal is an anagram. If you re-arrange the letters, you get “Margo is
B: Don’t act so surprised, Lamont.
A: A gun! So you betrayed me. You’ve been working with Dastard this
B: Call it what you like. Yes, I used you to find the sarcophagus. I
needed you to find the Wallenstein Codex among all the scrolls in the
Vatican Library of Pornography. And the codex led us here. Sorry to
disappoint you, old chap.
A: And the love-making? Was that a lie as well?
B: Oh, Lamont, don’t be so self-righteous.
A: What are you going to do with me now?
B: That depends on how reasonable you’re willing to be.
A: No, you can’t expect…
B: That’s right. Into the sarcophagus, pretty boy. Dastard needs a
body to smuggle the diamonds into France.
A: Diamonds? I thought he was looking for the sacred Aztec Amulet.
B: That too. All in good time, my friend.
A: All right, Margo. You win. Will you at least make sure Snowy
finds a good home?
B: No promises.
The Scene: A chateau outside Paris, France
B: Where’s that crowbar? Okay, now I’ll just pry off the
anthropomorphic lid of this sarcophagus and…
A: Expecting someone else?
B: Lamont! You’re alive!
A: Fortunately I left a few PowerBars and a bottle of Gatorade in the sarcophagus
beforehand. I knew I would be making the trip across the Channel in
it, you see.
B: But that means… you must be Rene Dastard!
A: In the flesh. Which means I manipulated you into shipping this
sarcophagus out of England under a rare antiquities license so customs
wouldn’t inspect it. It was the only way I could get across the
B: But Lamont, I mean Rene, surely you don’t think that what I said
reflected the way I truly felt about you? Why, I was playing along!
I always knew you and Dastard were the same person.
A: Nice try, darling, but the jig is up.
B: Oh, Lamont, please don’t shoot me. We could run away together,
just the two of us, forget about the amulet and maybe open a small car
rental agency in Las Vegas.
A: No dice, sugar. But let’s get down to brass tacks. I’m not going to shoot you. Yes, I see you
understand me. Now get into the sarcophagus.
B: But if I get in there, perhaps when I come out, I’ll be Rene
Dastard, and you’ll be Margo.
A: I don’t think so, babe. Your sequined dress would clash with my