Writing
I Had a Balloon
When I was a child, I had a balloon. I enjoyed the balloon. Whenever I met another child who also had a balloon, I would say, “This one is like me, he also has a balloon.” There was an immediate bond between us. If he asked me a favor, I would comply, reasoning that he … Continue reading
You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough to be a Millionaire
There’s a lot of people in this country with tough jobs. There’s the dog groomer, risking rabies every time he picks up his scissors. There’s the chimney sweep, covered in soot and singing some nonsensical ditty in a Cockney accent. There’s the chicken-sexer, constantly being propositioned by chickens. But I think the worst job of … Continue reading
Plug
I wrote a book. The only way Domenech Fera can save his life is to abduct a child supergenius and find a man who disappeared a decade ago while speaking to the last surviving Artificial Intelligence. What was discussed at that meeting, why were all the other A.I.s destroyed in a plague, and why did … Continue reading
Mailbag
We get a lot of mail here at Weird Proof Headquarters, and while we try to respond to all of it, the sheer volume is overwhelming! But since we love interacting with our many fans, we decided to devote a day to share some of the most intelligent, perspicacious, and flattering mash notes we’ve received … Continue reading
Press Release
It seems to be the received wisdom that books angled at the younger set are simply not quite the same thing as books aimed at adults: not quite as challenging to write, not quite as challenging to read. And it is my boring yet constant duty to explain that books for younger readers are some … Continue reading
Katy Perry Basically Admits It
In my hard-hitting expose of simulated humans passing themselves off as real (“Russell Brand Does Not Exist,” February 24, 2011, http://weird-proof.org/2011/02/24/russell-brand-does-not-exist/) I named Katy Perry as one of the most prominent of possible simulacra. Now some additional evidence has emerged that she is indeed not a person of flesh and blood, born in the natural way, … Continue reading
The Barber: Issue 1
On the roof of a skyscraper that floated like an island among the dazzling multihued lights of Manhattan, the superhero known as the Barber patiently explained yet again why he wasn’t just a regular barber. “I’m a superhero, not just a barber. They call me the Barber because I can do everything a barber can,” … Continue reading
Last Drink Mechanical Bird Head
The coffee-house looks like a photograph, Pre-digital, a faded more-than-real. Espresso and two cigarettes: a meal.* Reflected in the window, I’m a half- Step out of synch with moving in the flesh. Barista croaks “two lattes”, bobs his head, His long beak hazed with steam, his eyes dark red. The tip jar fills with cogs … Continue reading
Reclamation
The leaves of the tree wouldn’t have moved if they hadn’t been programmed to, but the light breeze caught them, enameled brass so thin they barely weighed more than a real leaf, and they rustled, glass-like against each other. Nearby the river rushed in whispering, rasping gouts, tiny quartz beads thrust into cataracts by jeweled … Continue reading
Clockwork Argument
Jorge sat down at the breakfast table. He was feeling good; he had slept through the whole night, and woken to gentle rays of morning sun curling their fingers around the window curtains. A bird sang in the distance, and even though it had been programmed to sing this song, he found the rising ditty … Continue reading