Author Archives: Robert Pritchard
Reversed Polarities
When I was very young, the gravity inside our house was accidentally reversed. Upon crossing the threshold a person, unless he was prepared, would immediately fall upwards, cracking his head on the ceiling. On one occasional, this effect paralyzed a mailman. Those of us who knew what to expect partially rotated our bodies so as … Continue reading
Nice Stories
The Mystery of the Locked Room Murder Inspector Ford tried the knob. It didn’t budge. The heavy wooden door was locked from the inside. “Lord Bromley always takes breakfast at half nine, sir,” the butler, Remington, pontificated. “When he didn’t respond, that’s when we called the constabulary.” Inspector Ford knelt and looked through the keyhole. … Continue reading
Nepotism is Great!
Nepotism is much maligned among losers without famous and rich parents, but in the most exclusive clubs in America, the truth is whispered: nepotism is great! Nepotism is the lifeblood on which our society runs. If you don’t believe me, just ask its beneficiaries. I mean, who are you going to trust: a bunch of … Continue reading
Hair
“I’ve always thought that I had the perfect hair to play Jim Hawkins from Treasure Island. But now that I’m too old to play him, I feel that my hair has been wasted! Keeps me awake at night, man!” — James McAvoy Me too, James. Me too.
Dating the Uzbek Way
As if their ability to consume mounds of boiled cabbage and not get fat isn’t enviable enough, Uzbek women have yet another reason to make their American counterparts jealous: their relationships. According to Gulshanoy Nebiyeva, author of What Uzbek Women Know: About Love, Sex and Other Matters of the Heart and Mind, Uzbek women enjoy … Continue reading
I Had a Balloon
When I was a child, I had a balloon. I enjoyed the balloon. Whenever I met another child who also had a balloon, I would say, “This one is like me, he also has a balloon.” There was an immediate bond between us. If he asked me a favor, I would comply, reasoning that he … Continue reading
You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough to be a Millionaire
There’s a lot of people in this country with tough jobs. There’s the dog groomer, risking rabies every time he picks up his scissors. There’s the chimney sweep, covered in soot and singing some nonsensical ditty in a Cockney accent. There’s the chicken-sexer, constantly being propositioned by chickens. But I think the worst job of … Continue reading
Plug
I wrote a book. The only way Domenech Fera can save his life is to abduct a child supergenius and find a man who disappeared a decade ago while speaking to the last surviving Artificial Intelligence. What was discussed at that meeting, why were all the other A.I.s destroyed in a plague, and why did … Continue reading
The Laffer Curve vs. Starve the Beast
Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllet’s get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllle! Innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn this corner… from Chicago, Illinois… we have… the Aggro Mnemonics of Macroeconomics… the Golden Calf of the Powerpoint Graph… the Nomad Pagan of Ronald Reagan… the Laffer Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurve! And in the other corner… weighing in at small enough to drown in a bathtub… we have… the Hellfire Nemesis of … Continue reading
Mailbag
We get a lot of mail here at Weird Proof Headquarters, and while we try to respond to all of it, the sheer volume is overwhelming! But since we love interacting with our many fans, we decided to devote a day to share some of the most intelligent, perspicacious, and flattering mash notes we’ve received … Continue reading