Fiction

I’m a big white rectangle with sheets and blankets on top and people sleep on me.  What am I? I’m invisible, yet you can know what I am by using a clock or watch or a sundial or in a pinch you can just guess what I am.  What am I? What’s black and white … Continue reading »

Fade in on an office building at sunset.  Mournful music plays.  Cut to interior of the building as the white collar workers leave.  One turns back on the threshold and calls, “See you in the morning, John.” Cut to John, late twenties, All-American looks, clean-shaven but with a lock of hair falling over his forehead, … Continue reading »

Today, I can confidently state that I am the greatest conceptual art thief in the world.  I have perpetrated dozens of elaborate heists, stealing many of the most valuable works of 20th century art, and not only have I never been caught, but nobody has ever even found out my crimes had ever taken place.  … Continue reading »

When I was very young, the gravity inside our house was accidentally reversed.  Upon crossing the threshold a person, unless he was prepared, would immediately fall upwards, cracking his head on the ceiling.  On one occasional, this effect paralyzed a mailman.  Those of us who knew what to expect partially rotated our bodies so as … Continue reading »

The Mystery of the Locked Room Murder Inspector Ford tried the knob.  It didn’t budge.  The heavy wooden door was locked from the inside. “Lord Bromley always takes breakfast at half nine, sir,” the butler, Remington, pontificated.  “When he didn’t respond, that’s when we called the constabulary.” Inspector Ford knelt and looked through the keyhole.  … Continue reading »

When I was a child, I had a balloon.  I enjoyed the balloon.  Whenever I met another child who also had a balloon, I would say, “This one is like me, he also has a balloon.”  There was an immediate bond between us.  If he asked me a favor, I would comply, reasoning that he … Continue reading »

There’s a lot of people in this country with tough jobs.  There’s the dog groomer, risking rabies every time he picks up his scissors.  There’s the chimney sweep, covered in soot and singing some nonsensical ditty in a Cockney accent.  There’s the chicken-sexer, constantly being propositioned by chickens.  But I think the worst job of … Continue reading »

We get a lot of mail here at Weird Proof Headquarters, and while we try to respond to all of it, the sheer volume is overwhelming!  But since we love interacting with our many fans, we decided to devote a day to share some of the most intelligent, perspicacious, and flattering mash notes we’ve received … Continue reading »

In my hard-hitting expose of simulated humans passing themselves off as real (“Russell Brand Does Not Exist,” February 24, 2011, http://weird-proof.org/2011/02/24/russell-brand-does-not-exist/) I named Katy Perry as one of the most prominent of possible simulacra.  Now some additional evidence has emerged that she is indeed not a person of flesh and blood, born in the natural way, … Continue reading »