Fiction
Owner’s Manual
Congratulations on your purchase! We, the entire staff here at Amalgamated Corporation, believe your new XP will deliver years of ecstasy, akin to continuous ingestion of the popular psychoactive drug “ecstasy.” We’re proud to offer the XP in PC-Compatible, Lemon-Lime, Tutti-Frutti, and, responding to popular demand, embedded inside an impenetrable Plexiglas cube. Whichever version you … Continue reading
The Tattoo Movie Review
If you’re like me and most people I know, the first question you ask when you hear about a new movie is, “Will there be any good tats in it?” While classics like “Red Dragon” and “Reign of Fire” don’t come along every day, it is still possible to find good tattoos in movies on … Continue reading
Shattered: The Shattering True Story
San Diego, 2010. I’m waking up. I feel like someone poured the leftover milk from a bowl of Count Chocula over my brain and then it hardened. And maybe the guy who was eating it didn’t really like Count Chocula that much, because there is still a lot of cereal floating in the milk. And … Continue reading
The Pharaoh’s Revenge!
Michael Dukakis turned with the feline grace of a tightly coiled spring. The shadowy figure on the mezzanine moved through the shadows. The figure wore a burgundy velvet robe with green fur cuffs, a matching fez, mint-condition first-generation Air Jordans, and carried an antique Turkish musket. Keeping the gun trained on Dukakis, he descended the … Continue reading
Mix ‘n’ Match
1) Jayne Mansfield 2) Saddam Hussein 3) Henri Poincaré 4) Edna St. Vincent Millay
Introduction to Cognitive Psychology: An Introduction
When you see this photo, do you think “John F. Kennedy”? That was caused by your brain. People act the way they do because of their brains. For example, when you put your shoes on, do you put your left on first, your right on first, or do you do sometimes one and sometimes the … Continue reading
My Testimony
Where was I on the night of July 23rd? I existed at a continuum of points along a route stretching from Lake Como, Italy, to the Lake Como simulation at the Bellagio Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, aka “Fake Como.” Nobody knew exactly where I was until they observed me, and even then … Continue reading
His Baryonic Life
He lay on the couch–a very tiny couch, so microscopic it took a cyclotron the size of an Ikea to resolve it–and told me his story. Here’s my story, Prof, he said. He was very still, though not quite motionless, but barely more than the quantum zero point motion. I was born in violence, Prof, … Continue reading
The Malevolence of Objects
Is your shampoo angling to make partner at the firm ahead of you? Is your wall-to-wall carpet convincing your friends to betray you to the secret police in exchange for special access to foreign-made luxury goods? Are your Brook Brothers shirts plotting to set your house on fire for the insurance money?
I am John Galt
The looters and moochers are gathering again, my friends. We are now under the heel of an anarchist totalitarian voodoo doctor bent on destroying America. For 50 years, they have plotted revenge. Their weapon: a small modification to the tax code! See, right now you’re nodding your head. This is so clear to you, because … Continue reading