Author Archives: Robert Pritchard
Life and Times of the “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” Bro
If, years ago, you had told me that I, a mild-mannered bro, would someday become a minor celebrity for my star-making, Three’s Company-esque turn as the unemployed stoner housemate of Gary Sinise in the Kevin Costner witchcraft trials and then, later, for being tased by security guards at a forum with John Kerry at the … Continue reading
Tales of Mystery
. We [Blank] You Do you have a moment? Let’s step over here so we won’t be disturbed. Y’know, a lot of people around here have been noticing what you’ve been doing, and I just want to let you know how much we—excuse me, I have to take this. Hello? Yes, nothing is in the … Continue reading
Russell Brand Does Not Exist
Some of you may have caught British comedian and actor Russell Brand’s cameo on The Simpsons on February 20. What you may not have known is that the yellow “Simpsonized” cartoon image of Brand is, in fact, his original form. The truth is that Russell Brand has no more reality than does Bart Simpson. My … Continue reading
Sarah Palin is. . . Modesty Blaise
It was a warm day in Washington DC, but Glenn Beck was perfectly comfortable in a dove-gray Ermenegildo Zegna suit, Brooks Brothers shirt, and Pierre Cardin tie as he stepped into the elevator and inserted the key that gave access to the 150th floor of the Vulpine Inc. skyscraper, which afforded sweeping views of the … Continue reading
The Zoological Revolution
The field of zoology has recently been turned upside down by the discovery of free will in animals. “It turns out that our previous understanding of animal behavior as being a product of genetic and environmental histories was simplistic and reductionist,” said prominent zoologist Stefan Nichtswisser. “A science that studied only the chemistry, anatomy, neurology, … Continue reading
Random Thoughts on Star Wars Story-telling
Protagonists If George Lucas is to be believed, all six Star Wars movies comprise a single story: “The Tragedy of Darth Vader.” Indeed, the addition of three prequel movies substantially devoted to Vader does shift the series’s center of gravity away from Luke. Apparently, those Luke-Vader duels in Empire and Jedi were not primarily about … Continue reading
Writing Made Easy
You are wanting to imitate esteemed writers of the past such as Dean Koontz, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, or Fritz the Cat, but you don’t know where to start? Relax now. Learn from me, your learned elder, how to write the easy way. I am qualified to teach writing because I am the author of many famous … Continue reading
DIY Comedy Kit
Hey Kids! After college, when we were idealistic Young Turks keen to set the world on fire, our artistic movement failed after a typo caused the Paris Review to publish, rather than our manifesto, our manifest, i.e., a list or invoice of the passengers or goods being carried by a commercial vehicle or ship. Lacking literary street cred after … Continue reading
Pity Me: The Rough Guide
No one knows anything about Pity Me because anthropologists refuse to study it. I mean, who wants to spend three years studying a bunch of whiners? At grad schools across the country, Pity Me ranks even lower in popularity than its neighboring regions of Nobody Likes Me or Everybody Hates Me. Budding … Continue reading
Owner’s Manual
Congratulations on your purchase! We, the entire staff here at Amalgamated Corporation, believe your new XP will deliver years of ecstasy, akin to continuous ingestion of the popular psychoactive drug “ecstasy.” We’re proud to offer the XP in PC-Compatible, Lemon-Lime, Tutti-Frutti, and, responding to popular demand, embedded inside an impenetrable Plexiglas cube. Whichever version you … Continue reading