Fiction
Unter Klaus und Dunkelnacht.
The stone room with your bed is brightly lit and the two doors have heavy bars. The buzzing scent of kerosene cuts through smoke and must. You don’t want to leave the room, but you have a task to do before you can go to bed. Continue reading
Sarah Palin is. . . Modesty Blaise
It was a warm day in Washington DC, but Glenn Beck was perfectly comfortable in a dove-gray Ermenegildo Zegna suit, Brooks Brothers shirt, and Pierre Cardin tie as he stepped into the elevator and inserted the key that gave access to the 150th floor of the Vulpine Inc. skyscraper, which afforded sweeping views of the … Continue reading
The Zoological Revolution
The field of zoology has recently been turned upside down by the discovery of free will in animals. “It turns out that our previous understanding of animal behavior as being a product of genetic and environmental histories was simplistic and reductionist,” said prominent zoologist Stefan Nichtswisser. “A science that studied only the chemistry, anatomy, neurology, … Continue reading
Writing Made Easy
You are wanting to imitate esteemed writers of the past such as Dean Koontz, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, or Fritz the Cat, but you don’t know where to start? Relax now. Learn from me, your learned elder, how to write the easy way. I am qualified to teach writing because I am the author of many famous … Continue reading
DIY Comedy Kit
Hey Kids! After college, when we were idealistic Young Turks keen to set the world on fire, our artistic movement failed after a typo caused the Paris Review to publish, rather than our manifesto, our manifest, i.e., a list or invoice of the passengers or goods being carried by a commercial vehicle or ship. Lacking literary street cred after … Continue reading
Ashtabula
I awakened to the artificial voice from the grille overhead saying, “Next stop Ashtabula. Connections to the Great Withern Line and the Ember River.” The light outside was orange and the sun was the color of raw beef as the train pulled into the station. Continue reading
Pity Me: The Rough Guide
No one knows anything about Pity Me because anthropologists refuse to study it. I mean, who wants to spend three years studying a bunch of whiners? At grad schools across the country, Pity Me ranks even lower in popularity than its neighboring regions of Nobody Likes Me or Everybody Hates Me. Budding … Continue reading
Flin Flon
The closest thing to the airstrip was the bar. It was named Bar. This far from civilization it was better not to pretend to own anything. Hercules knew Jordan, the owner, but he went in anyway. Continue reading
Ismailia
It’s been said that civilization is founded upon its causalities; that progress marches on – over a bridge of corpses. Civilized humanity was bred for obedience, but every breeding project has its rejects. Ismailia is the place where they all end up. It works like this: when a boy is to become a man and … Continue reading
Bad Kissingen
Bad Kissingen originated as a small German seaside resort town on the North Sea, where a tiny geothermal vent pressed up through the narrow crust, producing hot springs with a far higher than typical sulfur content. Hence the name–in the marginal dialect of Lower Middle Flendish, “kissen” means “to break wind.” (It is a little … Continue reading